Is it possible for me to be thankful for the life that I am presented with and also hope that, through a miracle, my life is changed into something else entirely? I have chronicled in this blog that we should not shrink away from the difficulties presented us in our lives, but rather by embracing our struggles we are able to grow and learn in ways that would be impossible otherwise. It makes perfect sense to me that we should not be afraid or try and run away from our struggles because they are capable of transforming us; however, it also makes perfect sense to hope and pray that, through miracles, we will be relieved of our struggles. It's easy to say that we should accept our difficulties so that we can learn from them if at the end of the struggle everything ends positively. If you go through a trying and difficult time and you emerge from that experience healthy and happy (or your loved one emerges healthy and happy), then it is easy to look back over that difficult time and see the positive sides. It would be much more difficult to watch a loved one pass away or suffer intensely and then try and find positivity. It is with that wrench in the mix that I'm asking whether you can accept your difficulties happily and also pray for a miracle to change your life.
I've spent over three years trying to accept my life with cancer and deal with the difficulties in as positive a manner as possible. But every second that passed in that time I have been praying that God would create a miracle in my life and relieve me from the struggles of cancer. I have grown from my experience and learned so much invaluable information - lessons that I would never trade for anything - but I don't want to stay sick forever. When the book closes on this saga, I want to be one hundred percent healthy.
Even though I have been praying for a miracle every day over the last three years, I have never asked God to take away the cancer just because I wanted it gone. Instead, what I've asked is that if I'm chosen as deserving of a miracle that God create that miracle as he sees fit. Whether that means a miracle is moments away or years away, my hope is just that I'm lucky enough to get a miracle, but if not then I will welcome my future as it comes. It's logical that I would want to not suffer, but, to me, it also is logical that if you must suffer, then you shouldn't complain or curse God, but rather simply accept your cup and drink from it. Jesus Christ did not want to suffer, but suffering was his fate and so although he asked that he not be made to suffer, he resolved that if suffering was his destiny that he accepted it as his destiny and loved it as his destiny.
I have had friends and families that were not lucky enough to receive a miracle. I've had an e-mail companion who was not lucky enough to receive a miracle. I've had old teachers that were not lucky enough to receive a miracle. What I do know is that each of these wonderfully inspirational people fought as hard as they could against there struggles and they fought with the voracity of the Spartan army. Alas, by virtue of their humanity, though they fought through hell and high-water, they simultaneously wished for a miracle that they may be saved.
I can't explain the perhaps displaced guilt that I feel when thinking that I'm still around and they are not. I feel guilty looking into my cousins' eyes knowing that their mother isn't around. I feel guilty looking at my friend's eyes knowing his de facto fiancee isn't around. I feel guilty looking into any person's eyes because everyone has known somebody who has suffered a tragedy. I feel guilty that I've been lucky by being able to survive this long, and I, like each of them, pray and wish and hope that I will receive a miracle that I may be saved. What I know is that, though each of the people I am describing wished for their own survival, that they all, knowing me, simultaneously wished for my survival as well. If my position was switched with theirs then they would be writing here about their guilt.
Because of my guilt and because of my experience, I look at my life and my struggles and I try and accept them openly and fight against the difficulties honorably. But because of my humanity I will hope and pray for a miracle to change the difficulties right now facing me. It seems a tall task, but it also seems fitting, that I will try and live my life happily and in a matter that my fallen friends will smile when looking down. I will try and live my life so that the loved ones of those who have fallen will not say that I'm wasting the gift that I've been given that their loved ones were not - the gift of life.
"Life is a gift, and it gives us the privilege, opportunity, and responsibility to give something back by becoming more." - Tony Robbins
8 comments:
In my mind its definitly a mental power struggle to try and do both: pray for a miracle and accept life as it is. On one hand you're telling God, I trust whatever you have in store for me. On the other hand you're asking to be relieved of your struggles/pain. You accept it AND you want it to go away/be easier. Life is hard, that's for sure
You know, Andrew, I've often spoken to my students about their feelings. You say, "
I can't explain the perhaps displaced guilt that I feel when thinking that I'm still around and they are not."
Your feelings are not wrong. You must acknowledge them. Take them out and examine them in the clear, cold light of day. It is your response to them that tells the kind of human being you are.
You are gracious in your grace and the honest dealings with your emotions, your situation, your life. You haven't let your guilt gnaw away at you. That is a good thing. By speaking it, you respect yourself.
It is our emotions that differentiate us from the rest of the animal world. Like a bauble, or a precious stone, we can allow it to seek the light. It can absorb or reflect the light. It can consume or enhance our life. If every day we felt no emotion our lives would have no meaning. If every day we felt one emotion life would be gray. That is, of course, depression. Been there done that!
Now that I am on the healing side of depression, I ask myself what am I learning from this? What am I meant to know from this emotion?
You world is coloured and you illuminate it well for us all.
I bow in honour.
Speaking of gifts, your post made me think and write about publishing. Thank you!
P.S. book signing on Saturday. I am pessimistic!
R.I.P. Andrew. It was a blessing to have been communicating with you over the 'net.
i miss you so much cousin.
What an emotionally stirring piece. I hope that you continue your fight against cancer and that you would be able to enjoy more this gift of life that had been given to you!
Hi,
I have a quick question about your blog, do you think you could e-mail me?
Heather
Did you die? Or just quit the blog?
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