Brave men rejoice in adversity, just as brave soldiers triumph in war...

"Find out what you're afraid of and go live there." - Chuck Palahniuk

Mr. Palahniuk is the author of "Fight Club" that, yes, was a book before it was a movie. The man is a somewhat dark and demented author, but poetic and invigorating and exciting. To really appreciate him you have to peel away the layers of what he writes to find some underlying, deeply buried moral that exists in his writings. If you do, then amidst the animated violence and degradation that we all intuitively associate with a movie like "Fight Club," and so also the author that we may not even know, we can discover soul-searching parcels such as the one highlighted above.

Fight Club is not about fighting, neither the book nor the movie. It's about an ideology other than the materialist one to which we all mindlessly abide. More than that, it is about a polarizing new ideology that forces us to confront the choices that we have made in our own lives and whether or not they are the appropriate ones. The message to me really seems to focus on what can happen when we accept ANY ideology without paying close attention to ensure that we are in control of our ideology and not that our ideology controls us and inevitably leads us to commit random acts of vandalism and possibly incinerate credit card buildings in an attempt to erase the national debt and wipe the slate clean.

My focus today, though, wants to stay on the quotation above. As Colonel Kurtz aptly puts it in Apocalypse Now in 1979 (which was also based on a book written before the movie came out, The Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad) horror has a face and you must make a friend of horror or else it is truly an enemy to be feared. Confrontation to the ultimate degree is our chance to prove ourselves, our bank-like stress tests in a sense. The first Century Roman philosopher Seneca wrote, "Fire is the test of gold; adversity, of strong men." We are defined by our battle-hardened bodies and psyches much like the soldier receives adornment beside his lapel for his struggles. We have our sniper medals, and purple hearts, and medals of honor, except we don't place them neatly on our chests, nor should we. Because the knowledge is won internally so too should the knowledge remain. We find out something about ourselves by going to battle in our lives, and there is no reason to boast or brag about our accomplishments by putting them on display. We cannot assume that we know the battle tested hearts of the people walking past us.

The sentiment in the quotation, then, follows: we must find exactly what it is we are afraid of, and then set up camp until we overcome that fear. A man must be willing to face his fears or else he does not know of what he is truly afraid. I'll tell you, cancer was not something that I was excited about, but it was something that I had to confront. I have done as best I could. If you bring yourself to the challenge and do not run from your fears, and you do the best you can, then you have already won. A tragedy is an opportunity to do something special.

"I wanted to write about the moment when your addictions no longer hide the truth from you. When your whole life breaks down. That's the moment when you have to somehow choose what your life is going to be about." - Chuck Palahniuk

Our Matrix...

"I think, therefore I am" holds that being able to think is both sufficient and necessary to knowing that one exists. That is, you must be able to think in order for you to possible know that you exists and if you are not able to think, then it is impossible to know for sure that you exist. Further, if it is true that you are able to think, then it is guaranteed that you exist. Let us forget postulated arguments to this position and accept the standard belief. We will not bother with the brain-in-the-vat dilemma or the moral implications of the statement for beings that lack the capacity to reason in a rational way.

When Descartes said "I think, therefore I am," he attached this to a theory that everything that exists outside of the mind is perceived through a perceptive sensory organ that renders the individual incapable of directly interacting with the object outside of the mind. Without being directly in contact with an object, our minds are susceptible to misinterpret or misunderstand the object. The support for this is that when we look at an object from a certain position it appears to be a square, but as we move we are enlightened to the idea that the object is in three-dimensions and is actually a rectangle. In essence, our perception of the object through our sensory organs of our eyes caused our mind to pervert the actual nature of the outside object. Even our sense of touch can be deceived as in cases that have been reported of amputees feeling pain in the limb that has been removed through operation. In any event, what we understand through the words of Descartes is that everything that exists outside of our minds - including our bodies - are unreliable in their truths, and so are open to subjective interpretation.

Through our interaction with the world over time the number of levels that we are removed from outside reality has continuously grown. This phenomenon can be understood by reading the post-modern philosophy of Jean Baudrillard perhaps most notably in Simulacra and Simulations. According to Baudrillard, technology and philosophical and intellectual elitism has constructed a world of hyper-reality in which simulations for reality have been created ideologically, metaphorically, and realistically in order to take the place of actual reality. Our every interaction with reality is actually an interaction with a created reality - a simulation of reality. The things we see, read, hear, and learn are filtered through a measured and exact narrative that is intended to perpetuate a particular message, image, or idea. 

Former reality television show characters (and indeed characters is the correct term) wage their biggest indictment against the shows themselves by claiming that the producers will edit video in order to convey a certain perception of reality. This is one thing with which I agree with Amaya from The Real World Hawaii house. It is called reality-tv, but we all know it's not and that's why we like it. We see two cast members meet on move-in day and hear "Bleeding in Love" by Leona Lewis and I know that during the season one of the characters will express an unrequited love for the other, maybe like Melissa excessive crush on Jaime from The Real World New Orleans. 

It is worse, though. Even our news is filtered and constructed around a particular narrative. The narrative arc spans further than just republican and democrat, right and left, conservative and liberal. The arc follows a certain pattern of attention grabbing imagery and language in addition to a subtle selection, by producers and executives, about what constitutes as news. During the democratic primaries, The media made a disproportionate amount of news fodder from the fact that Barack Obama did not wear the American flag pin on his lapel; meanwhile, there was nearly zero discussion regarding the beginning of the economic decline (or depression). Even when we watch shows like "Planet Earth" on the discovery channel or live footage of animals in their natural environments, what we are seeing is distributed through so many different levels - the presence of the film technician, the transition of the film to the studio, the editing of the film at the studio, the transmission of the film through the television, the narrative tone that is displayed from the opening credits of the show until the moment that I am viewing the moment in question, the music in the background, the juxtaposition of frames and angles, the script of the narrator or on-air personality, the time of day the show appears, the show's targeted audience, and even the actual audience that tunes in to watch. Of course, there is also our perception of what we see and our processing of all the relative information in our minds, which we know is often deceived by the things that exist outside of it, not to mention its ability to be deceived when people are influencing a thing in a manner that is different than how that thing might be without interaction or interpretation.

One of the most often levied criticisms of left-wing documentaries is that they are so prejudiced in the content they elect to provide that it negates the content itself. This is a method of arguing called poisoning-the-well. In essence, instead of addressing the content given to me directly, I refute the argument based on either the manner it is presented or on the individual or group presenting it to me. For example, if a convicted murderer said that they believed that free market economy was the best way to guarantee free trade principles, it would be improper argumentation to say that the person must be wrong because he is a jailed murderer. This is what happens to Michael Moore. He makes a documentary and it appears so radical to some people that it is refuted without giving consideration to its merits. On the other hand, at times it is indoctrinated based on its having been made by Michael Moore. Neither approaches are logically sound arguments. You don't like Michael Moore because of "Fahrenheit 9/11" that's okay because it deals with a very difficult subject matter. Have you ever needed a surgery that you didn't get because your insurance didn't cover it, or because you didn't have insurance? Watch "Sicko" and perhaps your opinion may change. 

I used to think that their was good and bad, right and wrong, moral and immoral, light and dark, love and hate, night and day. Even the most basic investigation yields that these are but two extremes of extensive spectra. Life and the individual are not made to contain either one or the other; rather, they are suited to - even created for - exemplifying some combination of the opposites. There is lightness and darkness within us all, but it comes down to deciding which we choose to follow in a given moment. Night and day appear separated, but there are the moments as the sun begins to go down and the sky is painted orange, red, and magenta where the night comes to join the day, the light comes to join the dark, and the two hold hands above our heads. And we can see all the gradient in-between of light and dark. It is living ideology. It is philosophy personified and we see this every night. Since the classical times of Greece and Rome, the greatest thinkers of the world have tried to find a universal code of ethics and none has developed one that has not been refuted on firm grounds. Logically, your moral codes would be determined by the subjective ethics you choose to follow. 

And so I return to the thought that I can only be sure that I exist because I am sure that I am thinking. Reality is contained in the mind. It is not contained in the body or in the bank or in society. It does not seem reasonable to surrender our minds to those who wish to uphold the convictions of their own. Let us be inquisitive, but let us be resolute. Power lives in the mind, and the subjective reality lives in power. Be not afraid of the world, nor anything that comes in your way. No obstacle, no force, no situation is too much for you. Descartes' dilemma works in both directions. If you cannot really interact with the things outside of your mind, then likewise those things cannot really interact with you. If they can't do that, then they can't affect you. So, I say again: color the duck your way.

It's Some Good Advice, That You Just Didn't Take...

"Memories are meant to fade. They were made that way for a reason." - Strange Days (1995)

Today we speak and the words forcefully pass our vocal cords, are bounced against our palates by our tongues and forge through our teeth and out of our lips only to sputter a few inches in front of us and smack against the floor with the vigor of vomitus. We live at a time when a mid-90s musician writes a song called "Ironic" that reaches number one on the billboards and the song does not contain a single example of irony (no, rain on your wedding day is not ironic, nor is a free ride when you've already paid, though some might say these are unfortunate occurences). We have also witnessed one of the most celebrated presidents say on national television that the interviewer's question depending "On what your definition of is is."

"Cogito ergo sum."
"Je pense, donc je suis."
"I think, therefore I am."

These words spoken by the same man, here presented in three different languages have significantly altered the trajectory of human philosophical and mental development for approximately the last 500 years. These words, and the other writings of Rene Descartes have given people the ability to make the world whatever they have wanted to make it. They have allowed people to take the notion that the only thing one can say is true is that they exist and transform it into the contract labor oppressing capitalist ideology and from there into the will to power that states that all things are permitted. All things, apparently, really mean all things.

There is a shot that is administered to chemotherapy patients that bolster the white blood cell counts after the chemotherapy drugs have diminished them. there are different such shots, but the one that I know of is Neulasta (pegfilgrastim). The dosage is recommended to be a single 6-mg injection per chemotherapy cycle (www.neulasta.com). This amounts to about 2-3 seconds. The drug is considered imperative to many patients who undergo agressive chemotherapy cycles as it prevents life-threatening infections that can stall the administration of chemotherapy, which can allow for the spread of the cancer. You see, though the drug cost can grow as high as $7,000.00, which is good if it's your two-week paycheck, but less good when it is part of your two-week expenses (www.neulastainfo.com). Certain healthcare insurance companies do not believe that neulasta is a necessary drug and so many refuse to for it. Nine months I was on a treatment that required me taking the neulasta shot. since, I don't like when people say "You do the math," I'll do the math: 9 months X two treatments per month = 18 times the neulasta shot is given. 18 x $7,000.00 = $126,000.00 and remember that this is with insurance.

There is a basic difference between something that is necessary and something that is sufficient even though many people do not understand that difference, including insurance companies. A condition is necessary if and only if it must be true in order for some situation to possibly be true. Or if the necessary condition is not true then there is no way that the situation can be true. For example, being a mammal is a necessary condition of being a human because you have to be a mammal in order to possibly be a human and if you are not a mammal then there is no way you can be human. A condition is sufficient if and only if in some situation if the condition is true then the situation must be true. For example, being a human is a sufficient condition of being a mammal because if you are a human then you must be a mammal. The difference is subtle. Because the sufficient condition is not also a necessary condition. That is, being a human is sufficient to show that you are a mammal, but it is not also the case that being human is a necessary condition of being a mammal, for instance you can not be a human (you can be a marsupial) and you can still be a mammal.

The insurance company decided, without consulting me, that the shot was not a necessary condition for my survival because perhaps, without it, I would still live. They also decided that it wasn't sufficient because perhaps, with it, I still might not live. In translation to formal logic, the quotation above says that memories are designed to fade because they are meant to fade. If we were using Microsoft Excel we would get an error reading saying "Circular Reference." The quotation believes that knowing that memories are capable of fading is sufficient to knowing that memories are meant to fade. This logic, however, begs the question by assuming as a premise exactly what it aims to prove.

I still remember the first smell I ever smelled: snow.
I still remember the first time I ever saw my fiancee.
My friend Andrew still remembers so many things about Susan.
My cousins Michael and Timothy still remember everything about their mother.
My fiancee still remembers what it was like when I called her on July 6, 2006.
My sister-in-law still remembers both of her cousins so well.
My mom still remembers the times of each of her three childrens' births.
We all still remember a lot of things

Memories are not meant to fade or else they would all fade. No, memories are meant to be remembered, forever. The ones that fade away are replaced by the ones that never will.

Remembering is a sufficient condition for surviving... And I can't wait to remember what it feels like to hear the good news of a clean bill of health once more...

Peace...

Stimulate Me...

The United States government in the last six months has spent somewhere near 1.5 trillion on stimulus packages to defribrillate the flat-lined economy. And we aren't talking about Russian rubles. That's grade-A American minted dollars. I really don't even mind the inclusion of pork or earmarks in the bills. they want to toss a billions of dollars at big businesses and banks that mismanaged themselves and have no accountability for it, all the while sneaking in money for parks, environment preservation, etc., that's fine by me. I do not even take issue with adding money to pay people to hand out birth control or to fund anti-smoking campaigns. Do it. I don't care. Maybe it will help to stimulate the economy. Every financial advisor and economist agrees that the best way to stimulate the economy is for people to feel comfortable enough to start to spend. The disagreement is to what is the best means to acheiving the level of comfortability necessary to loosen the pockets, but people are the backbone of capitalism.

So this makes me question why federal medical research funding has increasingly been cut. Billions of dollars spent to line the pockets of millionaires, and less money left to help keep more people around. I congratulate Barack Obama for trying to issue health care to more people. It's a tragedy that so many people are walking around without the ability to go see a doctor or a dentist. These people delay needed procedures because they cannot afford medical insurance or they are unable to be accepted for medical insurance. And the largest population without medical insurance is under the age of 40. Good, extend insurance. But, uh, Mr. President, maybe you could also try and help some people live a little bit longer by putting a little pit of that pork spending into medical research. If people spending money will help stimulate the economy, then I can only rationally conclude that more people spending more money will help stimulate the economy more quickly. Admittedly, I'm not an economist nor a mathematician nor a politician, but, the government has a de facto responsibility to help it's citizens since they are elected officials, and perhaps keeping those citizens alive in order that they may be helped is more important than nationalizing banks so that corporate executives do not have to travel coach rather than first class.

So, what am I trying to get at? The National Cancer Institute (NCI) is a federal funded entity that has a wide range of responsibilities, such as researching new and innovative drugs, therapies, and theories for all types of cancer. In 2007, the NCI spent a total of $4.80 billion dollars on cancer research of the major cancers. Stomach cancer, globally recognized as one of the deadliest forms of cancer, and categorized by it's little varied issuance of poor prognoses, received $12.0 MILLION of the reported $4.80 BILLION made available by the government. Not to mention, the $12 million dollars is down from the $13.4 million distributed in 2003. This is to contrast with the recipient who received the largest portion of the government offerings, Breast cancer research, at $572.4 million dollars.

Breast Cancer - 12% of government funding
Stomach Cancer - 0.25% of government funding

Keep in mind that even the total amount funded by the government of $4.80 billion is only 0.60% of the total money that was just passed out in the last stimulus bill (0.32% is you count Bush's last stimulus bill as well). Forget it. Even Breast cancer, which received the most funding has only 0.07% of all the monies given out in just President Obama's stimulus package. I don't even want to do the math for stomach cancer. Let's put the pink ribbons on our cars and participate in the March of Dimes and all of the wonderful charities, but do not think that breast cancer, testicular cancer, lymphoma, leukemia, and lung cancer are the only cancers that exist.

My point is that if you aren't going to spend the cheese to try and keep people alive for the long haul, then what exactly are we doign here? I'm going to die eventually that's fine and so are you. But how many more people after us are going to die unnecessarily because of our irresponsible spending today. Why can't we get all the types of cancer AT LEAST to the level of breast cancer? If you don't want me alive, then don't tell me that you want to fund smoking cessation programs and build parks to preserve this "Great Nation of Ours", because my mind can't comprehend that hypocritic, non-sensical, flat out insulting, equivocating bullshit.

(We do have a fundraiser going right now and if you would like more information on how you can help contact me at amsamuel6@gmail.com)

"All things are subject to interpretation; whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a functions of power and not truth." - Friedrich Nietzsche

An Honest Hypothetical and True Interview That Never Happened With James Lipton From Inside the Actors Studio...

JAMES LIPTON: Okay. So you're twenty-one. You're in college. Now you have cancer and you're told that you probably won't make it through the summer. You look to your left and there are your parents. You look to your right and there is your girlfriend, who you want to spend the rest of your life with. What's happening in your mind?
ANDREW SAMUEL: It's a surreal event. The never-ending back-and-forth between what has always been reality and what is your new reality. You try and find a ledge jutting out to grab hold of, but you realize that the whole wall is smooth. Then you beginning slipping down towards a very dark area.

JL: I can only imagine that it's at that time that you really huddle in close around family and friends so they can help you out.
AS: You know, friends and family are great in the way they try and help you out and a good support system is important. The truth is though, that at that time you just really feel alone. And you are. Because you don't want to hurt the people close to you by making them worry more than they already do, if that's even possible. But you kind of feel like you are trapped inside of your own dark thoughts. Try as they might, friends and family cannot pull you out of the hole that you are in.
JL: Then how are they important?
AS: That first hole you fall into is unavoidable. I think you have to go into the darkness in order to come out and see all the goodness you still have left, for however long you have it left for. So your family and friends can do nothing to get you out of it. And I believe it is important in any tragedy to allow yourself to fall into the darkness and to accept all the truths that come with the tragic event. 'You have cancer' and you deal with all the consequences that arrive from that situation. 'A loved one has passed away' and you deal with those consequences. But you can only deal with all the real consequences that arise from a situation if deal with the circumstances up front and completely. So, I think the fall into darkness is good.
The friends and family are amazing because they can keep you from falling back into the hole after you have climbed out the first time. They can also be a reason for you to try and even climb out in the first place. That is extremely important. Immeasurable. Once all my stength and energy are all used up and I have dragged my decaying body as far as I can, my loved ones step in at just the right time to carry me until I gain my energy back.
JL: Who have been the people there for you the most?
AS: Well I would have to say my fiancee who dealt with a whole hell of a lot more than a lot of women in her position would have. And I think it's critical to mention that Katie (fiancee) and my mom have been to every appointment I have had in two and a half years. But you cannot limit the influence everyone else has had on me as well From people I see everyday to people who I don't talk to but once a year. Every word really fuels the fire.
JL: What's the worst thing about cancer?
AS: The thoughts that come into your mind and you cannot block.
JL: What's the worst thought?
AS: That when I die, I'll have disappointed more often in my life than I have pleased. That I'll have let people down
JL: What do you want people to to know about cancer and about the people that are afflicted with the disease?
AS: First, people with cancer are identical to people without cancer, so don't treat them differently. Second, humans are like babies. When we bump our heads, if everyone starts to jump up and make a hoop-lah, we will start to get worried and cry. On the other hand, if everyone remains steadfast and continues life (even while recognizing the unfortunate event) we will carry on dressing up Barbie or waging war with G.I. Joe's against Cobra Command.
JL: What is the best piece of advice you can give someone in your situation?
AS: I think it is the same advice I would give anyone who didn't like the way there life was going, either from tragedy or anything: "If you do not change the direction in which you are going, you will end up where you are headed." - Confucius
JL: And now we turn to our questions...
What is your favorite word?
AS: Revolution
JL: What is your least favorite word?
AS: Cannot.
JL: What turns you on creatively, spiritually, or emotionally?
AS: The attempt to laugh... Hard.
JL: What turns you off?
AS: Giving up.
JL: What is your favorite curse word?
AS: Fuck.
JL: What sound or noise do you love?
AS: Laughing so hard it doesn't make a sound.
JL: What sound or noise do you hate?
AS: Muffled tears.
JL: What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
AS: Chef/Restaurateur
JL: What profession would you not like to do?
AS: Politician
JL: If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
AS: Thank you for always trying to find the joke in everything...

"Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow. It's what sunflowers do." - Helen Keller

Have you ever seen the movie "The Shawshank Redemption"? In the movie, Morgan Freeman's character talks about how prisoners who are in the jail long enough no longer want to be freed. They have been behind bars for so long that it is the only thing they know and they need the prison. They become institutionalized. Our belief that prisoners behind the jail bars want to be released and live among us outside of the jail bars is subjective, none of us knows what it's like to be behind bars so long that the bars begin to feel like home.

It's a funny thing about cancer that so many people swear by the disease teaching them and showing them and enlightening them and yet there is not a single patient who wishes that he maintain his disease. Each person ever to experience cancer, either directly or indirectly, wishes that they never had - whether they are still alive or have since left us. I do not think it is very difficult to see why.

Of all the things in my life, I never thought I would be known for being sick. I never thought people would remember me for almost (hopefully) dying. There are a lot of ways that I would choose to define myself, but none of those ways could ever replace what I will undoubtedly be known best for: having cancer. Lance Armstrong won seven consecutive Tour de France races - SEVEN - and I still think that he is better known for having had cancer. The man accomplished something in sports that had never happened and likely never will again. As for his cancer, people have overcome more difficult circumstances than he did. Even so, his cancer is more famous than he is. And the man was a world-class cyclist before cancer was even a whisper on his lips.

The hardened, rough cinder blocks barricade me in on three sides, above, and below. The steel bars close in the fourth side. Those metalic Ventian blinds open and close, the visual ebb and flow of what once was and what is to be. I can press my face between two bars, release my body weight, and hope to slip through the cracks, but this leaves a mark. My arms slide through the cracks and rest on the "outside" of the cell even though my body remains incarcerated. I oscillate - mentally, physically, and visually - between where I am and where I wish to be. If only it were a solid door, so that the sight of freedom would not tantalize the will and parch the soul. My body is separated - limb from base, mind from body, healthy from sick. A human jigsaw of adjacent opposites. Black borders white while good borders bad and dying touches living.

I am not a part of the prison. I am not institutionalized. I may have forgotten what it feels like to be on the outside, but I have not forgotten that being on the outside is where I want to be. I will accept my temporal seclusion because freedom lies up ahead. I have adapted to my cell, because adaptation means survival. The prison does not hold me, I hold the prison, and so I will learn to control my environment.

"Complete adaptation to environment means death. The essential point in all response is the desire to control environment." - John Dewey

They Day Before Tomorrow...

"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." - Oscar Wilde

Like an enlarged phallus, I lied upon the board and pleasured the General Electric Lightspeed VCT as best I could for a whole seven minutes. I was the proverbial hot dog thrown down the CT machine's hallway, not even grazing the sides of the gaping void, which I entered and exited at will.

I felt like I was in a Taiwanese bordello as I was greeted amicably at the door, filled out paperwork, and was given a drinkt o sip while waiting for my turn. I, however, was drinking what they call "Gastroview" a mixture of water, diet raspberry Crystal Lite, and some chemical in order to make my veins more visible during the scan. I imagined it to be a Sammy Sosa, though - a drink that Katie and I seemed to enjoy while we vacationed in the Dominican Republic last year. I remained tranquil while I sipped my beverage and read about how the auto industry is asking for yet another 13 billion dollars.

My name was called and I was taken to the back where I was instructed to strip down and put a gown on - gown facing forward. Not to worry, my helper put me to rest by telling me that I only had to remove my hat, my sweater, my undershirt, and my pants, but that I could leave on my undies, socks, and shoes. Thank goodness! How embarassing would it be to be peered at through a glass window while by numerous males and females if I couldn't have my socks on? I was then taken into yet another room where a very kind, Latin male nurse sadistically pierced my skin and decided to tape up my hairy arms while giggling, "Oops. Oh my sir, you have, like, too much too much hair." Oh my.

And then I see it. That big old hunk of plastic and the chill of air conditioning needed to keep the machine running. Yes I would like a warm blanket, thank you very much. It's time for me to lay down and get my money's worth out of this bad boy. Arms over my head, legs slightly bent, I'm slowly glided into and out of the hole under the instructions, "Take a deep breath... Hold it... Breathe." Like a college frat boy, I use the machine for my benefit only and I never stop to wonder, "Was it good for the Lightspeed?" What does it get out of all of this?

It is my familiar friend, though, no matter how latently sexual it all seems on a grand scale. I have received myriad scans - CT, PET, MRI. Each machine deciding the next however many months of my life. Will they be good or will they be bad? It all depends on what pictures these machines decide to take of my insides. It's no use being nervous while passing through the wide opening that spins around you, violating your organs, snapping pictures of them from their bad sides - their cancer sides. There is no reason to get flustered when the contrast dye is injected into your veins and you feel the warmth course through the arm raised over your head, then to the back of your throat, proceeding to cause a distinguishable feeling of heat throughout your body and to each extremity, finally settling in the violating, uncomfortable ring around your bottom-side forcing you to try and determine whether or not you just embarrassed yourself in front of everyone behind that window.

Tomorrow I go back to the chemotherapy after nearly a month and a half off of treatment. My schedule goes to every week as opposed to the every two weeks I did before. I'll tell you: I'm not looking forward to the upcoming gauntlet. Every week? Every Thursday from tomorrow until who knows when. But remember the thorn bush is full of roses, not the other way around. Tomorrow starts the unmitigating difficulties of treatment, but on some other tomorrow, in the future, starts the first steps of recovery.

Life will always be happy while we continue to have tomorrows. I have too much to be happy about - too much to look forward to - to stop believing that tomorrow is always a new day.

"He who has a why to live can bear almost any how." - Friedrich Nietzsche