tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-55732391056868549572024-03-14T04:04:26.206-04:00Life, Death, and Cancer360 Degree ExplorationAndrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653298138679360955noreply@blogger.comBlogger49125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5573239105686854957.post-30442062006472233302009-09-16T10:31:00.006-04:002009-09-16T11:38:51.782-04:00The Gift That Keeps on Giving...<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZRjuZaP_1e8gDo_59gU3D1rZs099W-m3X_SRzBZQ9JmoRJ2F450vsq7RwjQcahuav0sI52fnR5bP32l3mgeSnvjpO1p-cl19zwB7hUfzyBcNlN650l_1vfAJZUBwd7_jjRf2G1lF-Sns/s1600-h/gift_uberguide_gifts.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 178px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZRjuZaP_1e8gDo_59gU3D1rZs099W-m3X_SRzBZQ9JmoRJ2F450vsq7RwjQcahuav0sI52fnR5bP32l3mgeSnvjpO1p-cl19zwB7hUfzyBcNlN650l_1vfAJZUBwd7_jjRf2G1lF-Sns/s320/gift_uberguide_gifts.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5382089570638606290" /></a>Is it possible for me to be thankful for the life that I am presented with and also hope that, through a miracle, my life is changed into something else entirely? I have chronicled in this blog that we should not shrink away from the difficulties presented us in our lives, but rather by embracing our struggles we are able to grow and learn in ways that would be impossible otherwise. It makes perfect sense to me that we should not be afraid or try and run away from our struggles because they are capable of transforming us; however, it also makes perfect sense to hope and pray that, through miracles, we will be relieved of our struggles. <div><br /></div><div>It's easy to say that we should accept our difficulties so that we can learn from them if at the end of the struggle everything ends positively. If you go through a trying and difficult time and you emerge from that experience healthy and happy (or your loved one emerges healthy and happy), then it is easy to look back over that difficult time and see the positive sides. It would be much more difficult to watch a loved one pass away or suffer intensely and then try and find positivity. It is with that wrench in the mix that I'm asking whether you can accept your difficulties happily and also pray for a miracle to change your life.</div><div><br /></div><div>I've spent over three years trying to accept my life with cancer and deal with the difficulties in as positive a manner as possible. But every second that passed in that time I have been praying that God would create a miracle in my life and relieve me from the struggles of cancer. I have grown from my experience and learned so much invaluable information - lessons that I would never trade for anything - but I don't want to stay sick forever. When the book closes on this saga, I want to be one hundred percent healthy. </div><div><br /></div><div>Even though I have been praying for a miracle every day over the last three years, I have never asked God to take away the cancer just because I wanted it gone. Instead, what I've asked is that if I'm chosen as deserving of a miracle that God create that miracle as he sees fit. Whether that means a miracle is moments away or years away, my hope is just that I'm lucky enough to get a miracle, but if not then I will welcome my future as it comes. It's logical that I would want to not suffer, but, to me, it also is logical that if you must suffer, then you shouldn't complain or curse God, but rather simply accept your cup and drink from it. <a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke+22%3A42&version=KJV">Jesus Christ</a> did not want to suffer, but suffering was his fate and so although he asked that he not be made to suffer, he resolved that if suffering was his destiny that he accepted it as his destiny and loved it as his destiny. </div><div><br /></div><div>I have had friends and families that were not lucky enough to receive a miracle. I've had an e-mail companion who was not lucky enough to receive a miracle. I've had old teachers that were not lucky enough to receive a miracle. What I do know is that each of these wonderfully inspirational people fought as hard as they could against there struggles and they fought with the voracity of the Spartan army. Alas, by virtue of their humanity, though they fought through hell and high-water, they simultaneously wished for a miracle that they may be saved.</div><div><br /></div><div>I can't explain the perhaps displaced guilt that I feel when thinking that I'm still around and they are not. I feel guilty looking into my cousins' eyes knowing that their mother isn't around. I feel guilty looking at my friend's eyes knowing his de facto fiancee isn't around. I feel guilty looking into any person's eyes because everyone has known somebody who has suffered a tragedy. I feel guilty that I've been lucky by being able to survive this long, and I, like each of them, pray and wish and hope that I will receive a miracle that I may be saved. What I know is that, though each of the people I am describing wished for their own survival, that they all, knowing me, simultaneously wished for my survival as well. If my position was switched with theirs then they would be writing here about their guilt.</div><div><br /></div><div>Because of my guilt and because of my experience, I look at my life and my struggles and I try and accept them openly and fight against the difficulties honorably. But because of my humanity I will hope and pray for a miracle to change the difficulties right now facing me. It seems a tall task, but it also seems fitting, that I will try and live my life happily and in a matter that my fallen friends will smile when looking down. I will try and live my life so that the loved ones of those who have fallen will not say that I'm wasting the gift that I've been given that their loved ones were not - the gift of life. </div><div><br /></div><div>"<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Life is a gift, and it gives us the privilege, opportunity, and responsibility to give something back by becoming more.</span>" - <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tony_Robbins">Tony Robbins</a></div>Andrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653298138679360955noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5573239105686854957.post-10704043202019953342009-09-04T21:46:00.006-04:002009-09-05T18:10:04.191-04:00Look Who's Talking Now...<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7b68_vuL5gpw1znof4I58zizK8A_LLAQNAoUp_IhNrH-E2xVf8aysDvtJ_AQ5cGTXHehCpuC8ruWmR_B0fwnbn6Jbh7e29YJ7W5X1oCQLhcgPfzBdfRdZcGKH6LFCuvKoYMtjHB-yk_8/s1600-h/6+1974+Alumni+Achievement+Award+New+York+University.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 295px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7b68_vuL5gpw1znof4I58zizK8A_LLAQNAoUp_IhNrH-E2xVf8aysDvtJ_AQ5cGTXHehCpuC8ruWmR_B0fwnbn6Jbh7e29YJ7W5X1oCQLhcgPfzBdfRdZcGKH6LFCuvKoYMtjHB-yk_8/s400/6+1974+Alumni+Achievement+Award+New+York+University.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5377821111816771666" /></a>What was the cause of cancer? I'm not talking about what causes cancer. I'm asking you what caused cancer in the first place. Smoking causes cancers, drinking causes cancers, genetic predisposition causes cancer, but again I'm curious as to what is the first reason for cancer ever having occurred. There are <a href="http://medicineworld.org/cancer/history.html">documentations written on papyrus from around 1500 B.C</a>. that explain separate occurrences of tumors being found in human tissue. There has also been speculation by some archeologists that hardened tumors have been uncovered on dinosaur fossils. So you see, I'm interested to know if you are interested in knowing how, when, and why cancer first started. The most likely answer is that we will probably not know how, when, or why cancer first started. We will have to accept that cancer is more than likely a random act of nature that we will never fully understand. We will have to accept that cancer is one of many things that can be classified as beyond our understanding. <div><br /></div><div>But we are not comfortable with the idea that there are things that we cannot understand. We believe that whatever we personally cannot understand, there are some people that do understand the things that we do not know, likewise we know things that other people do not know. This shared knowledge is <a href="http://www.usingenglish.com/reference/idioms/part+and+parcel.html">part and parcel</a> of a social contract of which we all are apart. If I know everything that I can know about A, but know very little about B, and you know everything you can know about B, but you know very little about A, then between you and I we know everything we can know about A and B. This is the type of environment in which we believe we exist. Among all the people in the national and global population we comfort ourselves by believing that we know everything that can be known about everything. So when we need our plumbing fixed we call a plumber because those are the people who know about plumbing. And when we need to fix our car we take it to a mechanic because those are the people who know about cars. When we need medical assistance we go to see a doctor because doctors are the people who know about health. At least that's the precedence for our belief system.</div><div><br /></div><div>But our belief system is a lie. Actually it's not actually <a href="http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/lie">a lie</a>, because a lie would mean that someone is creating this ideology falsely in order to deceive us, but that's not really what's happening. We all know that there are things in this world that no one knows, so it's not a lie. It's like Isaac Newton's laws of physics: if you follow out the mathematical calculations of Newton's laws it turns out that the math does not completely work itself out. The math is so close to being accurate, however, that we accept the laws as truths despite their inaccuracies. Likewise, we accept the social contract that states that whatever we don't know personally somebody somewhere knows despite the inaccuracies of the contract.</div><div><br /></div><div>I've said many times in the last three years that doctors can say that your life will end soon, similarly they can tell you that everything is A-OK, but the truth of the matter is that there is no way that the doctors can know everything. As far as what doctors are capable of knowing, though, cancer is at the very bottom of the list. Doctors understand very little about cancer especially in comparison to how often the disease occurs. I have detailed in this blog <a href="http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/ad+nauseam">ad nauseam</a> that the doctors believed that I would be dead a long time ago, and yet I am still alive. I have also told you all in this online memoir that there have been multiple occasions in which the doctors told me that I would no longer be living, and yet I promise you that I'm alive. </div><div><br /></div><div>I guess this post goes back to my statistics thesis, or my statistics antithesis. Life does not follow logic or reason or mathematics. Whether our lives are <a href="http://lifedeathandcancer.blogspot.com/2009/07/gameshow-known-as-life.html">predestined or we have free will we can debate forever</a>, but in either case whatever happens to us or will happen to us does not follow a certain equation and it certainly does not follow the dialogue of medical doctors. In other words, just because someone tells you a certain thing will happen does not guarantee that the thing will actually happen. We all seem to understand this when it comes to certain professions - politicians, lawyers, hair stylists - but what we need to understand is that this fact also applies to the professions we normally associate with inarguable facts by virtue of their professions - doctors, teachers, accountants. No matter what we are told at a given time it by no means limits the number of possible outcomes. There is no such thing as good news or bad news, there is only news and our perspective to that news at a given time.</div><div><br /></div><div>Doctors are not infallible predictors of the future and it is not they that pretend to be such, it is we who assign them that characteristic. Personally I could give a damn what the doctors tell me will happen to me because as much as they may have studied cancer, more often than not the doctor has never had cancer. As much as he knows about what the medical books say about cancer that gave him the title he holds today, I know a hell of a lot more when it comes to undergoing the disease itself.</div><div><br /></div><div>I graduated in the top 30% of students at New York University, a school which graduates among the most students per year throughout the country. I graduate cum laude. When it comes to doctors I always keep this small fact in mind, and you should too: it is a mathematical fact that fifty percent of all doctors graduated in the bottom half of their classes.</div><div><br /></div><div>Don't believe everything that you're told...</div>Andrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653298138679360955noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5573239105686854957.post-46461256335619836222009-08-28T22:59:00.007-04:002009-08-29T09:44:34.530-04:00Curiosity I Guess...<div><a href="http://snltranscripts.jt.org/96/96tspace.phtml">Heck, I'm curious as a cat. I have a couple of friends that call me "Whiskers"...</a></div><div><br /></div>Before I was diagnosed with cancer, most of the stories I heard about cancer patients were not flattering. More or less I was bombarded with stories that sounded like parables from the Bible. What I mean by that is that every story seemed to follow a nice and neat narrative arc that began with impossibility, moved to anger, slid to reflection, and transformed into peace and acceptance. In short, the stories of the cancer patients that I heard did not sound like real life; rather, they reminded me of the hundreds of predictable stories that I'd read in the years of studying <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">English</span> literature. All you ever hear about with the stories of people with cancer is the anger and then the reconciliation of that anger, but there are very rarely real, tangible feelings that come out of those stories. I'm going to try and break that trend.<div><br /></div><div>Fear is a crippling emotion. It makes you do things you would not do, but it also stops you from doing things that you would do. Besides those relatively obvious conclusions, fear is a word that people thoughtlessly use. I would assume that many of you will say that you know what fear is and that you have truly felt it through and through. I would, however, be surprised if most of you have ever felt a fear that actually changed the way your mind operated from that moment onward. </div><div><br /></div><div>In this blog I have been reticent to distinguish myself from anyone else because I truly believe that I am not different from you just because I have cancer; nevertheless, I have felt a fear that has altered my life and I believe that most of you have not, despite your feelings to the contrary. Most individuals have moments where they fear for their lives, but the things about those times are that they are moments and nothing more. Try and imagine taking that moment, those seconds, those minutes, or hours even, and extending them for three years. Imagine feeling the most fear you have ever felt - imagine feeling that life-and-death situation - but that you feel it every single second for three whole years straight. Imagine that fear never gets less, but in fact has frequent moments in those three years where the fear grows stronger. But fear is perhaps the easiest of all the emotions I've experienced.</div><div><br /></div><div>The secret emotion, the one that slips under the rug, and the one that you probably imagine is nonsensical is guilt. I have been inundated for three years with a guilt the extent of which I can never truly make clear to you. Fear is difficult to endure, but one can endure. Guilt, though, is inescapable, because you are not battling an emotion with an origin from within. The guilt I feel each and everyday comes from the pain, hurt, panic, fear, and worry that I've caused my family, friends, and loved ones.</div><div><br /></div><div>You see, most people are too preoccupied with the difficulties facing the cancer patient to see how the loved ones of the patient are being affected. My fiancee Katie spends almost every single second of her life worrying about me - how I'm feeling, have I thrown up today, did I eat enough, is my abdomen filling up with fluid, does my back hurt, do I feel nauseous. She is constantly tired because her mind is so preoccupied with me that she sleeps lightly just in case something happens to me she can be there in a moment's notice. Her life is completely altered because of my deficiencies. And this is more or less the same for my father and my mother, not to mention the preoccupation of my brother, sister, and other loved ones, though it may not be to the same extent. </div><div><br /></div><div>Those of you who know me well should know that I have never been a person who depended on other people very much. My parents have always been there for me and that has been a comforting safety net, but I have always done things on my own. I've always been considered a man's man. A guy who could fend for himself, who could physically handle most things, I was a guy that you would call to move your furniture, or to back you up in a fist fight. Cancer has taken so many things from me - my health, my hair, my appetite, my iron-clad stomach (I'll be back in form one day Emanuel), my strength - and it has forced me to be a burden to my loved ones. They of course will say that I am not a burden, but I feel like a burden. The albatross that hangs from their necks, that keeps them from sleeping comfortable at night, that impedes them from carrying on their days as they normally would. </div><div><br /></div><div>When I visit friends and family for dinner, they have to adapt their planned menu around me, and if they don't then they are made to feel guilty when I don't eat. You see, everyday I manage to change in some way the way a person would normally conduct their life. At work, my cousin, who is very serious about working hard, is willing to allow my work to go uncompleted if he even suspects that I am feeling less than well. I appreciate that he is so understanding of my difficulties, but it's difficult to accept that I am now the person who has excuses made for him. I used to be the rock that everyone could count on for a die hard demeanor, but now I'm looked upon as a weaker, less capable version of my former self.</div><div><br /></div><div>I am humbled by so many of these things, but humility cannot take away the guilt. Even as I write down my consumption of guilt here, it is not an adequate description of what I feel. It's a lose-lose situation because if I make it out of this situation alive, which I whole-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">heartedly</span> believe that I will, then the last three years will have taken so many opportunities away from those who are closest to me. If, however I do not make it out of this situation, then not only have those who care about me altered their lives to make mine even a little more tolerable, but they will also have to reconcile the loss of their son, fiance, brother, cousin, nephew, or uncle. Lose-lose... </div><div><br /></div><div>You always hear about the anger, the pain, the nausea, the difficulty, the strength, the determination, and the perseverance of the cancer patients, but what you do not hear about (perhaps because you refuse to listen, or maybe because the sufferer is reluctant to explain) is how the cancer patient suffers from an overwhelming guilt. My life means nothing to me if not for my family and my fiancee. That's why the guilt breaks me down. I hope you understand that I know it seems silly for me to feel guilty that the people who love me care about me enough to alter their own lives. You will tell me that they do it because they care. I know they care and I know that's why they do it; but you must know that I feel guilty nonetheless. I hate making people worry and my loved ones, especially my Katie, can't help but constantly worry about me. </div><div><br /></div><div>She's a worrier. That's why I call her "Whiskers"... </div>Andrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653298138679360955noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5573239105686854957.post-16698205072316186742009-08-25T21:41:00.003-04:002009-08-25T23:43:04.250-04:00I'm Just Trying to Graduate...Some people have asked me how I am able to find the strength to deal with the difficulties I've faced in my life. Still others have wondered why I am so determined to face my obstacles head on without slowing, without rest. The questions may seem reasonable from your perspective, but you must understand that they are difficult for me to comprehend from my vantage point.<div><br /></div><div>When I was still in school, I was given homework assignments, and we had quizzes, and there were tests, and papers and what not. I never really enjoyed school and I definitely did not enjoy school work. Yet I did my homework, and took the quizzes, studied (somewhat) for tests, and researched and wrote my papers. I did not complete my assignments because I wanted to nor because I enjoyed doing it. I completed the tasks that the teachers laid in front of me because that was what was required of me if I wanted to pass the class. I needed to do the work if I wanted to move on, that is, if I wanted to make it to the next grade level. If, however, my goal was to remain exactly where I was at that moment, then I could have chosen not to do that work. I could have chosen not to complete my tasks, my obstacles, and I would have been left back. The only way to move forward in school was to complete whatever assignment was laid in front of me, to the best of my ability. There were no other options. Either I could deal with whatever crap was laid in front of me and move on or I could choose not to confront the challenges laid in from of me.</div><div><br /></div><div>Most people that I know didn't make their way through school because of some inherent sense of enjoyment. I think for the most part, we did our school work because we wanted to move towards the things that lay beyond school. In essence, we wanted to keep on living at the same pace as everyone else our age rather than being left behind in their dust. The assignments were obstacles on our pathways to our goals and they were obstacles that needed to be overcome. And either we overcame them and we were able to realize our goals or else we did not overcome them and we had to reset our goals.</div><div><br /></div><div>Finding the how and the why to exhibiting strength in living with cancer is very much the same to me as finding the how and the why to getting through school. I do not go to my treatments because I enjoy them or because I think that they are "fair." I go to my treatments because those are the obstacles laid in front of my pathway to my goal. I do not force myself out of bed, tired and in pain, to go to work because I'm a man filled with unequivocal inner strength. My goal is to beat my cancer, no matter the difficulties and no matter the consequences, and in order to reach my goal I must first overcome the obstacles that lie between my goal and myself. </div><div><br /></div><div>If I did not want to move on or move forward in my life then I could very easily choose not to attempt to overcome the difficulties and challenges presented to me. Before you throw around words like strength and determination and perseverance, we must look at the entire scope of the situation. I'm trying to survive, and that's all I'm trying to do. It's not about strength, determination, and perseverance, just like it wasn't about strength, determination, and perseverance when I was trying to move from seventh grade to eighth grade. Back then, just like now, all I was trying to do was keep moving forward. There were no pats on the back nor praise when I passed from grade to grade, because I was seen as having done nothing more than completing the assignments required of me. My struggle with cancer is exactly the same thing: I'm just completing the assignments required of me. </div><div><br /></div><div>It seems simple enough to know that a law student deals with the difficulties of studying law with vigor and determination because he hopes to become a lawyer and enduring those difficulties are necessary in his pursuit. Similarly, it seems commonplace to note that a presidential hopeful withstands the hardships that come with running a presidential campaign because we understand that he deals with those things because he wants to be the president. For me, it's easy enough to understand that a person who wants to survive will complete any task that is necessary for that person to survive. </div><div><br /></div><div>I don't know about words and titles that one may attach to my life right now because the only thing I'm focused on is completing the task at hand. Maybe I'll look back when this ordeal is over and I will say that strength, determination, and perseverance got me through my fight against cancer and against death. As for now though, I'm just trying to do my homework so that I don't get left back.</div>Andrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653298138679360955noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5573239105686854957.post-51447556161302355252009-08-05T20:00:00.005-04:002009-08-05T21:16:48.775-04:00"Because I Said So" Doesn't Count Here<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3fgBg-T-SE98HCJhIBZJSkY80VnxMvfFiqmTURIFwCsy_J2vCd1g7ssfMSoqKtI44QP3YtGK0e4V2xAL7ANQV-O5obq8aaThc73E_YEXHc0Qj3i94UG925-zlNzPdP3eTuQFsFeEKNrk/s1600-h/orbitlayer7.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 319px; height: 355px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3fgBg-T-SE98HCJhIBZJSkY80VnxMvfFiqmTURIFwCsy_J2vCd1g7ssfMSoqKtI44QP3YtGK0e4V2xAL7ANQV-O5obq8aaThc73E_YEXHc0Qj3i94UG925-zlNzPdP3eTuQFsFeEKNrk/s400/orbitlayer7.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5366653238105645138" /></a><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Times"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">You are nonchalantly walking down 7th Avenue in New York City passing in front of the </span><a href="http://www.wayfaring.info/2007/04/16/madison-square-garden/"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Madison Square Garden</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> side of Pennsylvania Station. You glance up to look at the world famous arena, and a man, dressed in an expensive, custom tailored suit punches you directly in the face, shattering your left eye socket. The man continues to walk down the street, southbound, and you decide (without any evidence to substantiate your claim) that he is heading to </span><a href="http://www.nevadasmiths.net/"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Nevada Smith</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">s on 3rd Avenue and 11th Street to watch an English Premier League match between Liverpool and Arsenal. Nobody around you seems to have noticed what has just happened to you, despite it being 5:15 p.m. with the crowd of rush hour commuters scrambling to make their trains. You pick yourself up off the ground, gather your wits about you and board the New Jersey Coast Line 5:26 train heading towards Bayhead, NJ. As you sit down you finally are given the time to reflect back on what your Guinness drinking (speculation) English soccer watching (further speculation) assailant has done to you.</span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Times"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Times"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">My question: are you more concerned with the manner in which this man came to punching your eye socket into pieces (HOW) or the reason he punched you in the face (WHY)?</span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Times"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Times"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">If you want to know HOW this man wearing a dark gray, Joseph Aboud suit with a red and white, thatch patterned Burberry tie and Prada shoes came to punch you in the face, that’s easy. Electrical signals traversed the synapses between the billions of neurons his brain, which then travelled down the spinal cord, locating the proper nerve vessels to trigger muscular reaction in a wave-like successive manner producing a fluid movement of the arm in a punching motion. The motion itself created a determinate kinetic force, which was transferred at the moment the business man’s fist made contact with your face, at which point the force generated by his movement was beyond the force that the ocular bones of the skull could absorb and so the bones fractured. Understanding HOW the man punched you is like understanding how two plus two equals four. It’s a matter of INFORMATION only. And it’s about as useful as trying to uncover HOW our lives are lived, whether we are “free” to make choices or the choices have already been made. What are you going to do to change it anyway?</span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Times"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Times"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Let’s say when you die, you go up to Heaven and you ask God, “Did I have free will or did you already know everything that was going to happen?” And God responds saying, “You had free will AND I already knew what you were going to do.” Are you going to engage God in a debate about how if He already knew then you were not really FREE to choose? I mean He’s God! Or even if you die and there is no Heaven, but you just die, would you like to die having spent your life worrying about whether you were "free" to make choices or not?</span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Times"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Times"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">But understanding WHY the man punched you is something altogether different. It’s not about asking “Oh goodness, WHY me? What did I do to deserve this?” That’s cowardly, not to mention, asking why it happened to you is not going to make whatever happened to you UN-happen. Asking WHY is about understanding what can come out of whatever has taken place. Asking WHY is about coming to an UNDERSTANDING. I assure you that nothing that is worth knowing can be attained by acquiring information. It must be understood. It at least must be contemplated, thought about, ingested, digested, excreted and studied. </span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Times"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Times"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">There's some things that we have talked about a lot. We are all going to die some day. We can't control the things that happen to us, but only our responses to what happens. Life is perhaps meaningless and absurd. Fine... But we are here so... We have already spent so much time asking HOW. Mathematics, physics, quantum physics, Darwin, evolution, natural selection, genetics, surgery, medicine, and on and on and on... We have so many answers to so many questions, but we have only been in the pursuit of INFORMATION. And so all we have is a whole lot of information, but not that much UNDERSTANDING. We know how the seasons change, how weather happens, how obesity causes heart disease, how how how HOW. We think we understand the way the world works, but most scientists will tell you that despite all the things we do know there are an infinite number of things we do not know and may never know. Like how does an otherwise perfectly healthy 21 year old man develop a highly fatal form of cancer with such a bleak prognosis that over 80% of the times affects people between the ages of 55-75... How does that happen? I don't know and neither do any of you, or anyone else... So, why not try to start answering the question of WHY?</span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Times"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Times"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">God is a choice that some make to answer why. Buddhism, Islam, Judaism, Atheism, Satanism, Hedonism, and many other "-isms" all try to answer the question why. Look: sometimes your eye socket gets smashed, sometimes you get into a fender-bender, and sometimes you get cancer. It's hard to anticipate how your life is going to pan out, because that entails having to know the future and unless you are a super-intelligent, perfectly predicting alien then that might be hard. But "why" is about experiencing something and then being asked to look back over it in the hopes of understanding it. Or "why" is about understanding now why you will do something in the future. But it's not about information it's about understanding.</span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Times"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Times"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">This was long, but I leave you with perhaps one of the most thoughtful quotations I've ever read (and I will try and make this the last Kierkegaard quote for a little while):</span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Times"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Times"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">"</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards."</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> - Soren Kierkegaard</span></p>Andrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653298138679360955noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5573239105686854957.post-25929237301994125952009-08-02T21:04:00.007-04:002009-08-02T23:08:51.331-04:00To Thine Own Self Be True...<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhx-ESPeiibJieESsxL0qnMgbWYX9zDc0Gh8awaKpmkLIQhs4LDBuw4rLR4NJpDRVkGTHgNtYwF91GE6PRVr8f6kLe5ylZDM3NmFdJW2o6WWt_k_EErlN6h9Hr8tMBtRGUeAblw4Y7SumY/s1600-h/Jan_Saenredam_-_Plato's_Allegory_of_the_Cave.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhx-ESPeiibJieESsxL0qnMgbWYX9zDc0Gh8awaKpmkLIQhs4LDBuw4rLR4NJpDRVkGTHgNtYwF91GE6PRVr8f6kLe5ylZDM3NmFdJW2o6WWt_k_EErlN6h9Hr8tMBtRGUeAblw4Y7SumY/s400/Jan_Saenredam_-_Plato's_Allegory_of_the_Cave.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5365566633267805922" /></a>Imagine that we are the figurative prisoners of Plato's Allegory of the Cave, which he represents in <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Republic_(Plato)">The Republic</a></span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Republic_(Plato)">.</a> Imagine that we are chained to a wall in an underground cave and we cannot move our limbs nor swivel our heads. We are forced to look straight in front of us. This is the only world we have ever known. We were born into bondage and have remained fettered thus since our birth. Meanwhile, our captors have taken to create puppets that are in the likeness of objects that appear in the "real" world such as puppets imitating men, women, trees, balls, dogs, cats, the sun, the moon, etc. The have decided to build a fire behind our chained backs and pass the puppets in front of the fire in order to cast shadows against the wall of the cave which we are facing. We see the shadows passing across the cave wall and, becoming familiar with the shadows, we begin to name the images that we see before us. In this "reality" the most "intelligent" individuals would be the ones who can identify the shadows most quickly and most accurately.<div><br /></div><div>Now imagine that our captors decided to unchain half of us. We would now be able to stand up and turn around and walk around. Instead of seeing only shadows cast by an indeterminate light source, for the first time we would see the puppets and the fire itself. Our eyes would be blinded by the brightness of the fire after so many years spent in darkness. We would be unfamiliar with the puppets having only experienced their distorted shadows cast on the wall. Slowly we would begin to become familiar with the light of the fire and the forms of the puppets. The most knowledgeable of the individuals in this reality would be the ones who could understand manner in which the fire created light which cast the shadows of the puppets when the puppets were passed in front of them. The fire would become the new light and the puppets would become the knew objects. Together the fire and the puppets would be the new truth and our "truth" would be more correct than the "truth" understood by those still chained to the wall.</div><div><br /></div><div>Now imagine that our captors decide to take you alone out of the cave and force you above ground for the first time. The brightness of the sun in relation to the fire would once again blind you. Eventually, your eyes would once again become acclimated to the new light and for the first time you would see the objects in whose image the puppets of the cave were created. For the first time, you would see men and women, trees, balls, dogs, cats, etc. We would understand the true source of light and the true nature of objects. Our "truth" would be more correct than either "truths" we "knew" in our other circumstances.</div><div><br /></div><div>I know that was long and drawn out, but it's important that we know these references. There is a reason why nearly every individual who receives a higher education reads Plato and Descartes, Aeschylus and Shakespeare, Homer and Dostoevsky. These things have reference to our lives STILL. Lessons have been learned from reading them for years and will continue to be learned for years. The lesson learned from the Allegory of the Cave is to understand that the pursuit of truth, knowledge, and understanding is not about increasing achievements, but is rather more about successive disappointments. As we "understand" more, we are disappointed to learn that what we previously understood as true was not actually true (or at least it was true in a much lesser or different form). </div><div><br /></div><div>My cousin Elie posted a comment in which he wrote that our life is not about whether or not we are "free" to make choices, but is more about understanding why we make the choices we make. He makes a reference to the Latin phrase <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">temet nosce</span> (or more properly <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">nosce te ipsum) </span>which means Know Thyself. We worry about being free to make choices. We worry about free will. We worry about valid and sound reasoning. We concern ourselves with our moral responsibilities. We never stop to concern ourselves with understanding "why." "Why" what? "Why" anything? We are too busy being concerned with the manner in which our lives unfold to stop and ask why our lives unfold the way they do. In the previous post I wrote about the truths that a confused human concludes in the face of a meaningless and absurd world. Still, however, there lacked an understanding of why. My cousin does well to refocus our attention to the why rather than to the how.</div><div><br /></div><div>All things being equal, we will understand neither the how nor the why... But it would seem that the more relevant futile pursuit would be in trying to understand why I have a deadly form of cancer that threatens my life each day, each hour, each second, each moment rather than trying to figure out some reason as to how this happened to me. Not "why" as in "God, why have you done this to me." By "why" I mean trying to discover what the purpose is for me having this disease. In other words, how am I supposed to "know thy(my)self" through this cancer. If any person in the world can contract this disease, then why has the world decided to give it to me. Remember: our purpose is to find meaning. </div><div><br /></div><div>"<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Life has its own hidden forces which you can only discover by living</span>." - Soren Kierkegaard</div>Andrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653298138679360955noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5573239105686854957.post-22818739778213524602009-07-30T17:14:00.003-04:002009-07-30T17:16:20.391-04:00What Does This Mean..."<em>A human being is spirit. But what is spirit? Spirit is the self. But what is the self? The self is a relation that relates itself to itself or is the relation’s relating itself to itself in the relation.”</em> - Soren Kierkegaard<br /><br />Let’s face it… Taken on its own, the world seems meaningless and absurd. It is devoid of apparent rhyme or reason. This results in the human confusion in the face of said meaninglessness and absurdity. For me, it is the reflection on my own confusion in the face of a meaningless and absurd world that produces some sort of knowledge of the world. I unveil and elaborate on my thoughts below…<br /><br />Truths for a Confused Human Facing a Meaningless and Absurd Reality<br /><br />1. Death<br /><br />Dying is a part of living. This paradoxical truth is an unavoidable dilemma, and ultimately death is the catalyst that causes us to choose what we have (life) rather than what we do not know of (death). Hamlet’s question “To be, or not to be” was the existential choice we are faced with in our lives. Should we deal with this meaningless and absurd world or should we choose death. The existence of death and the pain we feel in dealing with the existential choice between life and death creates the death-anxiety, or fear of dying. We argue, much like Hamlet, that even though life is often times difficult and unfair and meaningless, that at least we have experienced it and know what it is like, unlike death which we know nothing about. “But that the dread of something after death/… makes us bear those ills we have/ Than fly to others we know not of…” So, we experience anxiety over death and all things associated with death. Senescence – the gradual decay and eventual ceasing of internal processes that sustain life – is the face of impending death. We grow older, our knees creak, our back hurts, high blood pressure forms, heart disease is more prevalent, we become weaker, and so on and so forth. The death-anxiety, conversely, displays within each individual the courage it takes to actually live a life. Each one of you is courageous in that you choose to stare death in the face each day and continue to live your life. You may not see it this way. You may look at me and say I am facing death and my case is tragic, but the truth is my days are very much the same as yours. I contemplate the philosophical implications of imminent death and I have anxiety over it, but ultimately I decide that no matter what obstacle stands in my way I will choose to continue to live. And since neither I nor you can determine when it is we will die our death-anxiety persists, and we live our lives courageously in the face of death for however long it is that we live. But death is unavoidable and when we do inevitably die it will be all by ourselves.<br /><br />2. Aloneness<br /><br />Another part of life is aloneness. We enter and exit this world the same way – alone. Most of what constitutes as our lives takes place in the “inner world” between our ears – our thoughts, our wishes, our emotions, our desires. Yet, in a meaningless and absurd world where each day we live in fear of death, living in an inner world only serves to perpetuate the anxieties in life. Relationships – between lovers, familial relationships, cultural relationships, social relationships – are the foundations for our survival. We experience a catharsis (emotional cleansing) of our existential anxieties by engaging in interpersonal relationships, because in these relationships allow us to escape the seeming futility of life by offering us subjective meaning. In a world that is concluded to be meaningless and absurd, the establishing and nourishing of interpersonal relationship allows us to CREATE meaning. Caring about a fiancée, wife, brother, sister, or friend makes our actions subjectively meaningful. I say subjective because even though our actions will have no universal meaning to the world at large, which has been established as having no meaning, relationships give meaning to our INNER WORLDS. It is the pursuit of interpersonal relationships that establishes intent within our inner worlds, which is where we are free to exercise our option to choose.<br /><br />3. Freedom<br /><br />I am resolved that the ability to make a choice (even the illusion that we are making a choice) is the vessel through which our confused souls can face such a meaningless and absurd world. The ability for us to determine what makes us more or less happy and then our ability to actually CHOOSE that thing over others is what makes all the difference in the world. If death and aloneness are the downsides of a world of meaninglessness and absurdity, then freedom is the upside. In essence, if life has no required pathway that needs to be travelled, then our choices are really not about where we are going, but are instead about deciding what we want to do between the time we are born and the time we die. Our choices are about how we want to live our lives. Our freedom allows for creativity in an uncontrollable reality. Everything from paper or plastic to selecting a job says less about where you are going and more about how you want to get there. Ultimately, though, the freedom to choose (the way we want to spend our time while alive) takes orders from the fourth truth for a human facing a meaningless and absurd reality:<br /><br />4. Meaning<br /><br />If the world has no intrinsic meaning, then we are free to give our own meaning to life. If reality is meaningless and subject to change depending on our choices, then it is the meaning that we uncover in our subjective lives that will determine the choices we make (or seem to be making), which will decide how our lives will be lived. It is here, at meaning, that all four truths come together. Confused, we exist in a meaningless and absurd world, but we choose life over death because death is not presented to us as a choice. We WILL die, so we CHOOSE life, even if only because we are afraid to die. Once we make that decision, we are faced with our loneliness in an already scary and confusing reality. So, we resolve to establish interpersonal relationships that attach us to certain things and detach us from others. And through these relationships, we are able to uncover those things that make us happy and those things that are important to us… We are able to uncover individualized meaning in an otherwise meaningless existence. This newly discovered meaning acts as a guide in determining how we will exercise our freedom and choose to live our lives.<br /><br />There are no other things that we can figure out. In a sense it is our destiny to die. But this is not our purpose. Our purpose is to figure out what is meaningful TO US and then to use our freedom to make choices that satiate that meaning.<br /><br />“<em>What I really lack is to be clear in my mind what I am to do, not what I am to know, except in so far as a certain knowledge must precede every action. The thing is to understand myself, to see what God really wishes me to do: the thing is to find a truth which is true for me, to find the idea for which I can live and die</em>.” Soren Kierkegaard.Andrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653298138679360955noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5573239105686854957.post-54158799413794368442009-07-10T13:21:00.003-04:002009-07-11T08:22:01.129-04:00The Gameshow Known as Life...<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBlGE3hmvrocOouLni22hYlxMYULDWofyQScFTn2QF8dCGXHAQ292yGQ7uQGgjojrO4SJ_zxW306srvISigmObYTVRb_s9QjQgiMbmXvCKl73CYFZFfHfDbS2hc0GJs2TjrnK6J8KpqmE/s1600-h/Two_Boxes_by_xAerisx.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 368px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBlGE3hmvrocOouLni22hYlxMYULDWofyQScFTn2QF8dCGXHAQ292yGQ7uQGgjojrO4SJ_zxW306srvISigmObYTVRb_s9QjQgiMbmXvCKl73CYFZFfHfDbS2hc0GJs2TjrnK6J8KpqmE/s400/Two_Boxes_by_xAerisx.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5357176613755736306" /></a><div>We return to a popular theme. Why do things in this world happen? Do we have control over our actions and over our futures, or has everything been predestined by God making the future unavoidable. This is the main problem we have with the Judeo-Christian ideology of predestination. It would seem that by subscribing to it, we cannot determine who is culpable for the actions of man. Does man have free will to choose whatsoever he wishes, thus making him responsible for his actions and therefore condemnable to eternal suffering for his moral violations? Or, if God knows already what will happen, then it must already be determined what will happen, therefore we are not in control over our decisions, thus we are not liable for any wrongdoing we might commit. This is where people have a problem, and the problem makes sense. There are passages in the Bible that support both the ability of man to choose his future and the foreknowledge of God coupled with the powerlessness of man. So what’s a person to do?</div><div><br /></div><div>I think first we have to secularize the conversation. We need to shift the discussion away from religion. It is difficult enough to consider the existential philosophical dilemma of causation without also engaging in a theological debate. So let’s rethink the situation:</div><br /><div>You are randomly selected to participate in a game operated by a super-intelligent alien from another planet. This super-intelligent alien is unique in that he can accurately predict the future, he is not a psychic, rather he actually knows exactly what the future will hold, he is infallible, and he is incapable of making an error. Whatever action you choose to take in the game presented to you has nothing to do with why the super-intelligent alien has made the prediction he has made.</div><br /><div>The game is as follows: There are two cardboard boxes labeled A and B. You can choose to take the contents of both boxes or you can choose to take only Box B. Taking Box A only is not an option. Box A contains $1,000. The contents of Box B is determined as follows: before the game starts, the super-intelligent alien makes a prediction as to whether you will take only Box B or you will take Boxes A and B. If the alien predicts that you will take both boxes, then Box B will be empty, but if the alien predicts that you will take only Box B, then Box B will have $1,000,000.</div><br /><div>By the time you are asked to make a selection, the alien has already made its prediction and the contents of Box B is already determined. So once the game starts Box B has either $0 or $1,000,000, and not a single entity has the power to alter the contents of Box B. As the player of the game you know that Box A contains $1,000 and that Box B contains either $0 or $1,000,000. You also know that the contents of Box B is based on the prediction made by the super-intelligent alien and that the super-intelligent alien has the unique ability to infallibly predict the future. The only piece of information that you do not know is what the alien actually predicted, so obviously you don’t know what is in Box B.</div><div><br /></div><div>Which option do you select? Box A and Box B or just Box B? Your goal as the player in this game is to maximize the payout, to get the most money. The two choices represent two logically valid strategies that yield conflicting answers to which option will maximize the payout. All of the people reading this blog post who choose to select one of the options in this thought experiment will have a perfectly clear idea of which option you should select. The problem is that half of the people will choose to take both Box A and Box B and the other half will choose to take only Box B, and both sides will be absolutely convinced that they are right and that the opposing half is being irrational. </div><br /><div> </div><div>Strategy number one says that no matter what prediction the alien has made, taking both boxes is always best. If the alien predicts that you will take Both A and B, then you are choosing between $1,000 (Box A and B) or $0 (Box B only). Obviously the preference would be to take both boxes. But, even if the alien predicts that you will choose only Box B, then taking both boxes gives you $1,001,000, whereas taking only Box B gets you $1,000,000. With the strategy of always taking both boxes you always get more money.</div><br /><div> </div><div>Strategy number two says that you should always only take Box B. These people recall that the super-intelligent alien is INFALLIBLE, thus his prediction must be correct. If the alien must be correct, then you can ignore the possibilities of getting $0 or $1,001,000 because both of these require that the alien made an incorrect prediction. So for these people, the decision comes down to choosing between $1,000 (Box A and B) or $1,000,000 (Box B only). In this case it is obvious that always choosing Box B maximizes the payout.</div><br /><div> </div><div>So does man have free will or is life predetermined? Well, if you believe that you should always choose Box B, then you are suggesting that the alien can know the future with certainty, as such, the alien is not so much making a prediction as it is observing an event and then describing it. In this case, the alien's knowledge of the future is determining its actions in the present, thus future events are causing effects in the past. Your choice will have already caused the alien's prediction. In this scope, free will does not exist, and you are not really making a choice, you are just doing what you are supposed to be doing. If you believe that you should always take both Box A and B, then you are suggesting that future outcomes are continuously changing moment to moment because of our ability to choose, thus at the time the alien makes the prediction it may be true, but things may change between the time the prediction is made and the time the box selection is made. </div><br /><div> </div><div>The paradox presupposes a perfect predictor, implying that you are not really free to choose; however, the problem simultaneously presumes that you can freely debate and decide on a choice. This is the same difficulty many people have with mediating a belief in Christianity and the omniscience of God with the belief in free will. And the debate ends very much in the same way as the above game: both sides of the dilemma have equally logical arguments that strongly support them. In either case, you are going to do exactly what it is you are going to do. I mean, either you are going to fight or you are going to give up, either do the right thing or do the wrong thing, either go left or go right, either study for the test or not study for the test, either believe in God or not believe in God. The discussion of free will versus determinism is illogical since both sides prove equally valid and the answer will forever be unknown. So why worry about it? Just go and try and live your life right. That's all anyone of us can do.</div><div><br /></div><div>"<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">God does not play dice with the universe</span></span>." - Albert Einstein</div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">"Freedom is the right to live as we wish</span></span>." - Epictetus</div>Andrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653298138679360955noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5573239105686854957.post-81983183074347279212009-07-07T17:30:00.004-04:002009-07-08T17:46:49.564-04:00“Try Viagra, now with a NEW and IMPROVED soft-tablet, slow-release formula for extended…”<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmh2vg1IC39meXBBhp-DlvXLJJMbsNlvgYleRUujuAP2tR6IsCH437Za1v35WW6rrYvBC6nb6jD1vFHQkES4XQ1FHb16tjaa4sg_kKppZvAIM_YJge6fkXogjFs17ukiRIGeAsZ0AAALs/s1600-h/untitled.bmp"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5356208991007593122" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 280px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 400px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmh2vg1IC39meXBBhp-DlvXLJJMbsNlvgYleRUujuAP2tR6IsCH437Za1v35WW6rrYvBC6nb6jD1vFHQkES4XQ1FHb16tjaa4sg_kKppZvAIM_YJge6fkXogjFs17ukiRIGeAsZ0AAALs/s400/untitled.bmp" border="0" /></a> I've always tried to figure out how something could be both NEW and IMPROVED. I mean, if it's new, then it never existed before now. If it never existed before now, then how could it have been imrpoved? Inversely, if the something is improved then it must have existed in some form and it has since been altered in a way that is believed to be better. If it already existed and thus improved, then how could it be new? Sure you could argue that it had existed but now it's better (improved) therefore the final product is something other than what had existed earlier, thus it is also new. You could, but that makes no sense. I cannot take my 1997 Infiniti Q45 with 220,000 miles on it to the car shop, give it an orange pearlescent paint job, adjust the suspension, add "Spinners" and then walk away and call the car NEW and IMPROVED. It existed before, but now I changed it and made it better so for sure it is improved, but the car is not new just because now it exists in a manner different than before I fixed it. At the same time, if I drive my broken down Q to the infiniti dealership and drive off with a 2009 G35 I certainly have improved my car SITUATION, but the car itself is NEW but it is not also IMPROVED. My point is either something is new or something is improved, but it is not both new and improved.<br /><div></div><br /><div>People spend a lot of their time trying to make themselves new. After a nasty break-up a girl rallies around her girlfriends, they head out to a club, make a dance circle around their bags and shoes, and inevitably at some point between the fourth or fifth Jolly Rancher shot the girl will tell her friends that this is the NEW whatever her name is. Or when a man quits his job and goes out to buy himself a new wardrobe in the hopes that his Prada shoes will make the difference in his NEW life. Somehow their is a correlation that we make between severing the ties with the past and enjoying a more pleasurable life experience. </div><br /><div></div><br /><div>But I think that most people don't want to become new people. I think what they really want is to become an improved person. What I want to do is take an experience and then use it to dictate my actions in future experiences. Even when you leave behind your old ways or if you move out to a new town and abandon old acquaintances and family, it's not about abandoning or leaving behind the things that you have already learned. It's more about taking what you have learned and using it to make your future more pleasurable. </div><br /><div></div><br /><div>They say that when a man experiences cancer that he comes out on the otherside a new man. Well, I don't want to be a new man. I just want to be an improved man. I just want my cancer to build upon the myriad other lessons I've already learned. I don't want my cancer experience to be generative, forging a new creation through fire and smoke. In fact, I know cancer is not making me a new man. I appreciate the catharsis that is my cancer, because through it I have rid myself of self-pity and no longer am overcome with fear. Cancer may have been the catalyst through which the change was brought about, but cancer is not the vehicle of change. Cancer is merely an occurrence, like getting a hang-nail; it is something that happens. It is no more in control of itself than I am in control of developing cancer. The human being is the vehicle of change. I can choose to mentally change my outlook, and I DO choose. The ability to choose makes me infinitely more powerful than the cancer. </div><br /><div></div><br /><div>It is easy to press the reset button and start a NEW game when your tetris blocks stack too awkwardly together; it is much more difficult to choose to IMPROVE the unfavorable board you find in front of you. You cannot both start the game over and still be playing the same game. Don't look outwardly to find the help, just look inside yourself. Don't ask for a miracle, be the miracle and remember that all of life is nothing more than a hang-nail...<br /></div><br /><div><em><span style="font-size:85%;">"If you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and then make the change. You gotta get it right while you got the time 'cause when you close your heart, you close your mind."</span></em> - Michael Jackson, <em>Man in the Mirror</em></div>Andrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653298138679360955noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5573239105686854957.post-20788127941301290682009-06-17T13:08:00.007-04:002009-06-18T13:39:32.721-04:00A Rebel Without a Cause...I often think about the antagonistically symbiotic relationship between life and death. It might seem paradoxical to say that two things are antagonistically symbiotic. How can two things be both hostile towards one another and also cooperative with each other? It occurs much more often than you might think. Oil and vinegar have a natural aversion towards one another, yet oil and vinegar go great together on salads and sandwhiches. Cold water and warm water are not exactly best friend either, but the warmth of one liquid cooperates with the chill of of the other by highlighting its characteristics. Take a chillingly cold shower and then immediately jump into a pool and what happens. The pool waters feels warm compared to the cold shower water. Take a warm shower and then jump in the pool. The pool water feels cold compared with the warm shower water. In essence, even though the warm water and the cold water are in opposition to one another, they also cooperate with one another through their opposition by magnifying the characteristics of the other. Life and death are in opposition to one another; however, they are also cooperative as the experience of either life or death magnifies the characteristics of the other, just as the one liquid magnifies the qualities of the other.<br /><br />Intuitively we know life and death are in opposition to one another, but are they in oppostion with each other in a fundamentally logical manner? The American Heritage Dictionary defines life as the "property or quality that distinguishes living organisms from dead organism and inanimate matter." So, "life" itself is defined as an opposition between those things that are said to be alive and those things that are said to be dead. Moreover, scientifically life is understood as objects that are composed of systems that "tend to respond to changes in their environment, and inside themselves, in such a way as to promote their own continuation" (Witzany). I think promoting their own continuation should be understood as avoiding the ending of their continuation (death). So, it seems that intuitively and logically life and death are in opposition to one another.<br /><br />In addition to being in opposition to one another, do life and death have a hatred towards one another that causes their opposition? We have to understand this one through thought experiments only, because there is no way to prove life hates death or that death hates life. Religiously, philosophically, scientifically, biologically, and logically we can conclude in a general sense that life and death hate one another. At the very least, if life got along with death, then life would not try and avoid death to the extent that it does. In other words, organisms do not gravitate towards pathways that would lead them towards death. In fact, all species adapt in order to sustain life or else they risk extinction. If life and death got along this would not be the case. So, not only are life and death in opposition to one another, but they also have hatred for each other, thus they are antagonistic.<br /><br />Being in opposition, though, does not mean that the two things are opposites. What are the opposites of the following things or ideas: hot, left, high, light, life.......... My guess is that more likely than not you thought: cold, right, low, dark, death. These, however, are NOMINAL opposites. That is, they are opposites only in name. Opposites only because we think of them in such a way. The opposite of HOT is not COLD, but rather the opposite of HOT is NOT HOT. Anything that is NOT HOT is the opposite of HOT, whether that be warm, temperate, cool, or cold. Those are LOGICAL opposites. Even though life and death have an opposition to one another, they are not LOGICAL opposites of one another. Therefore, life and death can have a symbiotic and cooperative relationship with one another, even though they have an antagonistic relationship as well - like oil and vinegar.<br /><br />Confused? Allow me to elaborate: Kurt Cobain, 27; River Phoenix, 23; Sid Vicious, 21; James Dean, 24; Sharon Tate, 26. These are all examples of people whose death magnified the qualities and characteristics of their lives, perhaps disproportionately. Without the prevalence of death, and in these cases premature and tragic death, the lives of these people are glorified in ways that they potentially should not be glorified. Each of these people show how life and death are antagonistically and symbiotically related. Antagonistic because their lives were blossoming just as the derangement or coincidental or unfortunate circumstances of death took hold. Symbiotic because the rising stars that were their lives caused their deaths to be commercialized and even maniacal, meanwhile it is their deaths that magnified the promising qualities of their lives. James Dean was an up-and-coming star projected to have every bit of the career that Marlon Brando ended up having. As such, his existence as a young actor and a rising sex symbol catapulted the news of his death into the mainstream and, consequently, into American lore. Moreover, his instant death in a car accident disproportionately magnified the acting skills Dean showed in his three major films.<br /><br /><br />Their lives made their deaths seems impossible and tragic. Their deaths, however, left their lives gilded with 24-karat leafing. It isn't accurately known whether their deaths were made famous by them being famous or they were made famous by their deaths. It has always perplexed me how a tragic and often times premature death can commodify that person's life. Yes, literally the life is turned into a commodity. The person in particular (and more tragically the family and loved ones of the person) is taken hold of by the population and made into something other than what he or she is.<br /><br />To clarify: I am not a tragic case, nor am I unflawed. Much of my life has consisted of errors and flaws. If God punishes us for living unrighteous lives, then I cannot argue with my disease. If I die it should not be said that I was a great man or that I was a righteous man or that I was the model man. The truth should be told. When it comes to tragic death, though, the truth gets lost somewhere in between the "Story" and the "Memory." Jim Morrison is remembered for being the Lizard King, the singer-poet of a generation, the man who said what you thought. He isn't remembered necessarily for being a degenerate drug-abusing man who overdosed on heroine.<br /><br />Before I was sick, people used to say, "I like Andrew, but he thinks he's better than everyone" or "he never lets anyone else be right" or "he's selfish." Since then, I'm some sort of inspirational story. A young and tragic look at the iniquities of life. A bold critique of the health industry's inability to explain medical ailments. I've become a prayer. I've become a plethora of candles lit in innumerable churches. I've been taken across the continental United States, and to Europe, and taken to the Middle East and put into monastaries and churches and temples. I've become the questions of so many friends and loved ones to nomadic street psychics and tarot-reading gypsies. I've become a compartmentalized conversational commodity. My disease, my cancer, has taken me from a living, breathing human being and turned me into a fucking t-shirt.<br /><br />That's what death does to life. That's what even the potential of death does to life. If you aren't careful and if you aren't watching it can steal your identity and turn you into something else. My life until this point has magnified the "tragedy" that would result in me dying from cancer. Similarly, the potential that I can die TOMORROW from cancer has made Andrew Samuel into "Andrew Samuel." Still, in the end, I don't know the best way to measure a life. I think, though, the best measure of a man is in knowing how many people measure themselves by him. Measure using this, whether in "life" or in "death":<br /><br /><em><span style="font-size:85%;">"I am certain that after the dust of centuries has passed over our cities, we, too, will be remembered not for victory or defeats in battle or in politics, but for our contribution to the human spirit."</span></em> - John F. KennedyAndrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653298138679360955noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5573239105686854957.post-52288791513544646082009-06-08T15:00:00.002-04:002009-06-08T16:25:20.338-04:00The moment of truth...<div>One of the most difficult things to deal with as a person going through the throws of cancer is how people speak TO you in one way, but speak ABOUT you in another. I'm not the type of person to tell someone that they have to agree with the same thoughts that I have, but I am the type of person that asks for some semblance of consistency when talking to me and when talking about me. When people talk to me, that is when we are in a conversation, the general feeling always seems to be that I will somehow and some way defeat my cancer and go on to live a long, fruitful, and otherwise normal life. There is not a single person that is even willing to recognize the possibility of death. On the other hand, when people speak about me, that is when I am not actually around, I understand that there is an altogether more somber tone to the conversation. Suddenly, the persistence of my disease, and even significantly premature death, are not only options, but inevitabilities. Not only do I have a problem with the Orwellian double-speak, but I have maybe an even bigger problem with the fact that neither things that the people are saying to me is the truth.<br /></div><div><br /></div><div>You see the fact is, the people around me do not know if I'm going to beat my disease, but they also do not know that I'm not going to beat my disease. For those of you joining the game late, it has pretty much been a running theme of this blog that your life can change from one second to the next. So, why does me having cancer automatically make my future predictable, moreover, what makes people think that THEY can accurately predict my future? If I live - for however long I live - it will not be because my friends and family constantly tell me that I'm going to live. The support from loved ones is an undeniable part of my ability to fight this cancer, but that's because those people are there for me. It has nothing to do with what they are or are not saying to, at, or about me.</div><div><br /></div><div>You know, watching things on television about people suffering with cancer, or listening to the stories of people who have battled cancer, you normally hear or see very dramatized or very commercialized versions of the stories. I am not saying that to be disrespectful, but only as a matter of observance. What I have found is that the general consensus is that saying SOMETHING, even if it is the wrong thing, is better than nothing. I am sorry, but I have to thoroughly disagree with this sentiment. As a child, when your mother caught you in the act of violating one of her rules and she said "What exactly were you thinking?" it was NOT an acceptable option to just say anything whatsoever. In fact, it was very important that you chose your words wisely, not necessarily because you had to say the perfectly right words. The important thing for your mom was that no matter what you said, you just had better make sure that you didn't flip-flop your story later on. You see the thing that your mom hated was when you told her one thing one minute, but said something different the next, because then momma knew you were full of shit. </div><div><br /></div><div>I find that when you don't know what you feel or that you don't know what to say, saying nothing is better than making a friend feel betrayed when you say you're confident in them one minute, but then they hear that you doubt them the next minute. The funny thing is that no one even blames people for having doubts or for second-guessing. Some days I feel like I'm going to live forever and other days I feel like I can't even make it a few more hours. So, can I really judge someone who feels absolutely certain that I will be okay one day, but has doubts the next day? I know that people are just trying to say the right things and are trying to make sure the cancer patient doesn't lose faith. To me, the number one way that the cancer patient loses faith is when people only want to be honest when they talk about him and not when they talk to him. </div><div><br /></div>Andrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653298138679360955noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5573239105686854957.post-85694025187734457622009-05-26T16:07:00.003-04:002009-05-26T17:08:19.289-04:00<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgg4Rh7m_CzQEk1x7_tp8fG2UJ16HoOTJxSch2HxfN8utJ1o7XVqPs1WCm3okKO0yti87pMr582Ngu42ArekL-009i20cSTVDOLA_sFHCzE1jeTg_ID9iI9pqc2CDR-csfQAH17Sb5S0RA/s1600-h/images.jpeg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 98px; height: 132px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgg4Rh7m_CzQEk1x7_tp8fG2UJ16HoOTJxSch2HxfN8utJ1o7XVqPs1WCm3okKO0yti87pMr582Ngu42ArekL-009i20cSTVDOLA_sFHCzE1jeTg_ID9iI9pqc2CDR-csfQAH17Sb5S0RA/s400/images.jpeg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5340242344065374482" /></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">"Backseat drivers don't know the feel of the wheel, but they sure know how to make a fuss</span></span>" - Bob Dylan <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Let's Keep It Between Us</span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><br /></span></div><div>Maybe I haven't wrote in a while because there hasn't been much to write. Or perhaps it's because I have run out of things to write. Still otherwise I may have spent the last three plus weeks laid up in my bed to sick to type. Maybe, you're thinking, I've fully exhausted the therapeutic tool of blogging...</div><div><br /></div><div>I think Mister Bobby Dylan is more accurate. </div><div><br /></div><div>I think I haven't written a post in a while because my dedication to write honestly and openly has met the crossroads of delicacy of the emotions of others. Let me be more clear. To write truthfully about living (and dying) with cancer is a subtle tightrope one walks in which he must balance unbridled truth against the delicate nature of the unaffected readers' psyches. In essence, in order to be effective I must be truthful and forthcoming with how I detail my personal battle, but I must also consider the idea that (hopefully) the overwhelming majority of the people reading will never understand what it truly <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">feels</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> like. As I scan back over that last sentence I am surprised by the tone of the sentence and its seeming superiority, as if none of you has ever endured anything as difficult as I; however, I have restrained myself from editing the sentence because there is nothing wrong with what I have typed. You will never understand even one micrometer of what it is like to live my life, but similarly I will never understand what life is like for you. Inevitably, all people are destined to be separated by the very thing that makes our lives worth living: our individuality.</span></span></div><div><br /></div><div>Since I am an individual and there is no one in this world that is even somewhat like me, every person outside of me is incapable of fully understanding any description of my life and the things that happen inside of it. That is why metaphors, similes, personification, and symbolism are so effective in story-telling from memoirs to Hollywood films. These artistic devices rely on communal knowledge and primal instincts and feelings to establish common ground in the efforts of bringing the audience to a more comfortable and accessible environment. The truth, nonetheless, remains unchanged. I can never make you understand what it is like to receive chemotherapy treatments if you have never had it. Moreover, even someone who has had chemotherapy treatments (even the same exact type of treatments) will fall tragically short of sufficiently understanding my trials with the medicine simply because we are individuals. Sure, we may be able to establish some common area of understanding, but since we cannot get into one another's head, and since we will always maintain our own minds, we will always be inherently incapable of fully understanding another person, cancer patient or otherwise. This phenomenon has lead to cliched phraseology such as "one man's trash is another man's treasure." If one forgives social and economic differences, this phrase is true simply because people experience the world differently.</div><div><br /></div><div>The task of explanation becomes more cumbersome when it details individuals who experience certain extremities or boundaries that lie outside of the general norm. For instance, most people can actively participate in an open discussion about college life, since most people of our generation have actually lived the college life. Though the experiences may be dramatically different, "college life" is an environment that most people would view as normal. Even those who did not directly experience college life understand the themes and experiences that it entails either through hearsay or through media portrayals (see <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Animal House</span>). On the other hand, there are experiences that fall so far outside the accepted norm that their discussion is rendered much more difficult. For example, most of us will never fight in a war such as the war in Iraq. So, soldiers, Marines, Navy men, and other members of the armed services have such an extreme experience that it is increasingly difficult for those individuals to relay their experiences to those who have not, and likely will not, experience them. Thus, we see the pains to which the military goes to readjust servicemen back into society and we are seeing more and more servicemen who are ostracized from society because of their experiences and diagnosed with various mental illnesses. As a result, the average non-war-fighting individual is at a loss to understand the experiences of a servicemen and often times we look at these individuals just as they look at themselves: different than the rest of us. Within our own difficulty in trying to relate to these individuals by establishing some common ground, however, we sometimes make the individuals feel as if they cannot be as open and honest as they would like. And so, the men and women of extreme experiences are at a crossroads between truth and the comfort levels of others.</div><div><br /></div><div>There are some things that we do not want the soldiers to tell us. We want to know how they gave the children toys and soccer balls, and we want to know how the American troops stormed a building and foiled a key component of the plans of our enemies, but we do not want the whole truth. That is, we do not want to know about when a platoon fired through the windshield of a car who failed to stop at a military junction and upon inspecting the vehicle found only two infants and a local Christian missionary who was assisting the U.S. military efforts. This is the truth, yet this is the truth we do not allow the person to feel comfortable saying. </div><div><br /></div><div>By no means am I trying to equate my circumstances with the bravery and courage displayed by the hundreds of thousands of men and women who protect our beliefs and our freedoms by fighting our wars. Yet I do believe that I have reached a point in these writings where I am forced to compromise the truth of what I write for fear that someone will believe that what I write shows that I have given up, or given in, or that what I type is too much honesty for my loved ones to handle. In my honest discussions with some people about my situation, I am constantly met with replies of what I must do in order to get through this difficult time. I am constantly bombarded by people who are telling me what it means that I have cancer or why I have cancer or what is the proper way for me to live my life with cancer. I am told by my loved ones that these people are only overcome by an uncomfortable feeling of not knowing what to say, but I don't understand why this gives them the right to spew verbal diarrhea at me. I am so overwhelmed by the notion that so many people care about me, and are about me enough to try and give me words of encouragement, or help me through tough times...</div><div><br /></div><div>...but too many backseat drivers wraps the car around a tree. </div>Andrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653298138679360955noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5573239105686854957.post-11073019705486226042009-05-01T13:34:00.003-04:002009-05-01T15:00:35.021-04:00<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">"I have always believed, and still believe, that whatever good or bad fortune may come our way we can always give it meaning and transform it into something of value."</span></span> - Hermann Hesse<div><br /></div><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 270px; height: 279px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitPcHTote-C142b-_3QnEUISnDhTzFBIqu-RNAVoaENMmQ8yWgNGXo2iRtaTWcf4oRocYXEHHvTfFuaD5Ch4Z8mJ6Jx8kRgngP5CjNLgI_MsXSKEYflLP51YH_KvwK7EkYil4xjZq9Kgk/s320/Medical-Logo.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5330931798932232386" /><div>My most recent trip to my regular cancer doctor did not go well. If I'm being completely honest, my last trip left me with no clue what to write about, which is why it has been so long since I've posted. I've had ideas, but in selfish light of the bad news we got at the doctor's office, I was sufficiently unmotivated to create a blog post. Thinking about it now, I believe that is a very sad perspective to have, but I must admit it was my point of view. </div><div><br /></div><div>The doctor basically told me that it did not appear that my disease would ever be resolved. I should mention that the overwhelming insinuation was not simply that I would always have cancer, but rather that I would expire in a relatively short period of time. These words, that news, depressed me in a way that I did not anticipate even though I knew that was already the case judging by the way my body was feeling progressively worse. There are still treatment options like the chemotherapy that I am on now, and when that runs out, there are clinical trials that can be enrolled in ad nauseam (pun intended), but somehow I felt uneasy about the future.</div><div><br /></div><div>Be not afraid and do not feel sad because of what I have written above; only through the darkness can we understand the light. I have finally remembered that I am not in uncharted territory. That is, I have been here before. Perhaps, not all the circumstances are the same, but I have endured this situation already. I have been told that I would be dead shortly. The MEDICAL FACTS have already "guaranteed" my departure. Science and reason has previously divested me of every ledge upon which I could grasp a hold. The end for me has already come many times before and yet I remain among the living. I allowed fear to take hold of my head, but that fear was never able to get to my heart since my heart has seen these darkened days previously. I have risen from the medically pronounced dead more than once before and that means that there is no reason why I cannot continue to do so moving forward. The law of averages be damned, beating the odds once does not increase the odds against you. No, the odds remain the same and those odds are as we've discussed before: 50%/50%. </div><div><br /></div><div>I apologize to my fiancee and to my family for having forgotten this recently. I apologize to all of you for hypocritically posting messages here of thinking and believing in certain things and then allowing myself to be overrun by ignominious thoughts. Then I think - that's why they have so many cliches about failure: if at first you don't succeed, try, try again; it's not how many times you fall, but how many times you get back up; get back on the horse; it's not how hard you can hit, but how hard you can get hit and keep getting up; etc. Even Jesus Christ walked around for three years preaching the good word of the Lord, speaking of self-sacrifice; yet, on the night before his arrest, trial, and crucifixion, while alone in the garden at Gethsemane prayed three times asking God not to make Jesus have to endure the pain, suffering, torture, and death. Though each time Jesus prayed to be relieved of his suffering, He eventually returned back to his original beliefs saying to God <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">"nevertheless not My will, but Yours, be done"</span></span> (Lk 22:42).</div><div><br /></div><div>My purpose is not to liken myself to Jesus, but to make the point that questioning beliefs and wavering strength is not only human, it is also divine. Jesus Christ, the leader of the Christian religion displayed the desire to ease the pain of his life. The Buddhist Gautama Siddartha, or "Buddha," similarly was described as having had many failures and moments of weakness in his quest to reach Nirvana. I spoke in elevated tones of strength, motivation, an living for now and yet I stumbled in my support of those things (it is not the first time nor will it be the last, I'm sure). But I am back on the horse, I took the hit and I got back up, I took a lickin' and I'm still tickin', you pick whichever cliche works best for you and insert it in this sentence. The point is not whether or not you suffer, but as Hesse says in the quotation at the top, its about whether or not you make that suffering into something of value. Faith in one's self is invaluable so I have to thank my doctor, and not be bitter, for giving me that bad news. His words caused me to remember how to fight back against the world. </div><div><br /></div><div>No doubt bad news will come. No doubt this treatment regimen will continue to be one of the more brutal combinations I have experienced. No doubt my physical strength and energy will be stripped again and again. But I have been reminded once again that though this disease and the associated treatments can take away my body, they cannot take away my mind unless I allow it to be done. It is the ultimate "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." I cannot be hurt by what I will not allow to hurt my will.</div><div><br /></div><div>I must thank my fiancée Katie for re-awakening all of these things inside of me. If not for her, I may not have remembered what I promised I would never allow this disease to make out of me. I thank her for allowing me to hide my moments of weakness in her. I also need to thank my dad, mom, and brother for doing the same. "Don't worry guys, I may sound weak again moving forward, but my heart is in the game. Give me my moments to fall down and I promise that as long as I can I will ALWAYS get back up again."</div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">"You know quite well, deep within you, that there is only a single magic, single power, a single salvation... and that is called loving. Well, then, love your suffering. Do not resist it, do not flee from it. It is your aversion that hurts, nothing else."</span></span></div>Andrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653298138679360955noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5573239105686854957.post-78043057436301197732009-04-22T10:44:00.004-04:002009-04-22T11:35:31.932-04:00I'm Better Than an Actor; I'm Really Real...<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHqvp6NB6WOfnSSyvQ6Ji9inqIyKVbzKs7YfJOv1e4N9hGSVB_lvjCcLYuLGIMWjCtD_mflX5mAJrhR5mxp0yBG6X5Adqb0DhAAghL4uvCiMZIwLlPgBqI4fjmlbNaKj0O32znqF5q33A/s1600-h/images.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 103px; height: 127px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHqvp6NB6WOfnSSyvQ6Ji9inqIyKVbzKs7YfJOv1e4N9hGSVB_lvjCcLYuLGIMWjCtD_mflX5mAJrhR5mxp0yBG6X5Adqb0DhAAghL4uvCiMZIwLlPgBqI4fjmlbNaKj0O32znqF5q33A/s400/images.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5327539436421396386" /></a>Can we go ahead and agree that we have all felt, at one time or another, that giving up would certainly be a hell of a lot easier than continuing? I think at some point, whether as children or as adults, we have all concluded that the road ahead just appears to difficult to travel and so along the way we have all sat down on the side of the road, refusing to navigate the course. I am making it a point to say that we all have done this because I believe it is a very human reaction. Humans instinctively shy away from difficulties and lean towards the easier of two choices. This time I say this not as an indictment of mankind, but rather as a characteristic that is shared amongst us all. I cannot say whether it was quitting a sport as a child, or giving up on a particular section in geometry, not bothering to talk to that girl for fear of rejection, refusing to argue with a friend just for the sake of keeping the peace, or accepting one's place in life because it affords comfort even though one deserved a better slot. There are so many different ways that we give up in life, which is why I can say with absolute confidence that we have all done it before.<div><br /></div><div>My REAL concern, however, is when the giving up, the sitting by the side of the road, is done when it comes to life and death. I think this has become somewhat of a recurring theme on this blog, but I think that's because it is a subject that is so near and dear to me. It also happens to be a subject that we take for granted more often than we would like to admit. What amazes me is that people tell me that somehow I'm amazing because of what I have to go through in fighting cancer. </div><div><br /></div><div>That sounds silly to me. And it sounds silly because the assumption made by calling me amazing is that by fighting as hard as I can against my disease, I am somehow doing something different than what most people would do in the same situation. It is amazing for me to believe that anybody else in my position would NOT display the same fighting mentality as I. That is, I expect that they WOULD fight just as hard as I am fighting. If that's true, then what I am doing can hardly be said to be amazing; rather, it should be considered the norm. I understand if someone wants to connote that my reaction to my disease, although normal for anyone in a similar situation, is not normal because most people do not experience that situation. In that case I would classify my struggle as respectable, not amazing or inspiring. Any man who choose to sit himself down on the side of the road when the path in front of him is a choice between life and death is the one who is amazing to me. The man who chooses life rather than death, and to keep pushing forward no matter what the difficulties are is the man who is smart, logical, normal though not amazing, inspirational, or extraordinary.</div><div><br /></div><div>(Before moving to the next topic I want to post a disclaimer stating that each individual cancer patient experiences even the same cancer in drastically different way, just as multiple individuals can experience the same event in dramatically different ways. As such, my opinions here are geared more towards the willingness to accept defeat, rather than an inquisition or assessment as to the relative difficulty to the particular people mentioned below).</div><div><br /></div><div>It is also amazing to me the number of public figures who publicly announce their unwillingness to continue with cancer treatments. For instance, Farrah Fawcett, an extremely well known "actress" and individual, has had a difficult battle with cancer. Originally, she was diagnosed at the end 2006 and after chemotherapy treatments and radiation, she was declared cancer-free in the beginning of 2008, roughly a year and a half. When she was told that she had a malignant polyp return, she responded saying that she no longer wished to deal with the difficulties of treatment. Or Patrick Swayze, who was diagnosed in in January 2008, has experienced the spreading of his cancer to critical areas of the body by the end of 2008. It was reported that he, his wife, and his doctors believed that the countdown towards death had already begun. In response to the news, it is reported that Swayze has begun saying his goodbyes to family and friends ahead of what he believes is his imminent death. </div><div><br /></div><div>I don't mean to scare those who care about me, but over the last two years and nine months, I have both been told that various areas of my cancer have returned or gotten worse and that my already aggressive, deadly cancer had spread to more critical areas of my body. I have been told on more than one occasion that I was on my road to death. I do not say this to bolster myself or to indict Fawcett or Swayze; I am only saying it to explain that bad news is a part of cancer. Reaction to the bad news makes all the difference. </div><div><br /></div><div>Don't call me amazing. Don't call me a hero. Don't call me an inspiration.</div><div><br /></div><div>Just call me what you have all always called me: a stubborn kid who hated to lose at anything. </div><div><br /></div><div>I don't plan to start losing now. Just know, though, that you don't have to lose either...</div>Andrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653298138679360955noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5573239105686854957.post-48796981229379519132009-04-15T14:04:00.002-04:002009-04-15T14:46:07.922-04:00Hi. This is the Home of "Are You Feeling Okay?"...I am destroyed by the madness of repetition. The second-hand tick-tock of my life petulantly slamming down one foot after the other – left, right – like Macbeth’s tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow, creeping forward until the movie ends, the credits roll, the reel flickers in the dim light. Wake up, take a pill. Go to sleep, take a pill. Two wednesday night, two Thursday morning, two Thursday night. Pill for pain, pill for nausea, pill for vomitus, pill for headaches, pill for pills. They tell me to take a pill to counteract the pills that I'm taking. The determined pursuit of relief is the ultimate opiate of the masses.<br /><br />Democracy comes from two Greek words: demos - the power, kratos - the people. Democracy is the power of the people. To control democracy you must control the power of the people. In order to control the power of the people you must find a way to control their worries. The people worry about living life comfortably or without pain. Life, however, is pain. To control the people's worries then is to control their pain. An offer to relive pain is the way to control the power of the people. You give them relief and they gladly hand over their freedom and liberties.<br /><br />You tax a man more and more every year and give that money to a multi-billion dollar company, only to force that man to watch that company give it to a few hundred people as bonuses. Meanwhile, the man's factory has shut down and the 8.5% of people who want jobs and are looking for jobs cannot get them. The man changes the channel only to watch a man going to trial who took billions of dollars from thousands of investors (billions divided by thousands is still in the millions by the way) only to enter the court, keep mum, and say he is "truly" sorry for the pain he has caused, though he in no extremity of reality plans to tell these people where their money is so that they may use it. I will ask you: why does this man still love his country? Because his pains in life are eased here more than anywhere else (in his mind). Two tabs of tylenol takes away the back pain. Two pills take away heart disease. Two pills takes away cholesterol. Two nuclear bombs takes away inferiority complexes. I have realized an important thing from studying history throughout college: people will always trade freedom for food and safety.<br /><br />My back hurts and I walk like a ninety-year-old man who can't find his cane. My knees hurt as if I've played as a catcher in major league baseball for 25 years on my way to the Hall of Fame. My stomach hurts from the creeping, twisted invasion of restrictive cells making extension and flexion more cumbersome a task than Atlas' struggle to hold up the heavens. I grunt and sweat from the pain in the night like a working-girl on a busy Friday night. Sometimes the pain is so numbing my mind goes blank and there is a momentary existence of nothing that takes place between my ears. I'll tell you what: when drugs and avoidance are my only options to escape the pain of my existence, it's about time for you to take me out back and shoot me dead. We might do our work through the easing of the pain of living, but you can hardly call it work if you are self-medicated, either physically, mentally, politically, or otherwise.<br /><br />Do the time. Make the investment. Embrace your pain. Pain is life, your job is to ease the pain, but if you never experience the pain for what it is, then you similarly never experience life for what it is. It's your choice as to how you handle your life. You can take the handed out help and give up your <em>demos</em>, or you can ease the pain through real life, non-segregated experiences. That's my choice.<br /><br />Just as I've told my fiancee that I love her so much that I would rather be fighting with her than doing anything else with anyone else, I'd rather experience real life, then coast through it unscathed.<br /><br />PEACEAndrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653298138679360955noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5573239105686854957.post-20785426091501513202009-04-14T17:00:00.004-04:002009-04-14T17:10:43.079-04:00I Saw the Best Minds of My Generation Destroyed...<span style="font-size:85%;">Well, while I'm here I'll</span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">do the work - </span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">and what's the Work?</span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">To ease the pain of living.</span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">Everything else, drunken</span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">dumbshow.</span> - <em>Memory Gardens</em>, Allen Ginsberg<br /><br />You would do yourself a favor if the only modern poetry you picked up and read was written by Allen Ginsberg. If you want some direction, try Ginsberg’s 1956 “Howl,” classically considered his most famous piece of work. If you want some further direction, then listen to the words this man writes and float away on a cloud of LSD just as he did. Ginsberg wrote the way your mind works: he wrote as a run-on thought string, each memory perpetuating the continuation of the sentence. But, more importantly, Ginsberg wrote the way you wish you could say. He believed that it was the poets job, his burden, not to write what came into his mind while he sat down to write a poem, but rather to write about the thoughs that crept into the poet’s head while he lay in bed at night – while his mind was most free and most truthful.<br /><br />What more is our struggle in life except the struggle to ease the pains that life brings us? And if we are constantly struggling, surely we must say that we are constantly working. What option do we have, then, in our lives, except to “do the work?” More specifically it is the “Work” that is our job to make life as enjoyable as we can for ourselves and those around us (work – capitalized, thus connoting this is our most elemental form of labor; this is our Heavenly Work). It’s Ginsberg’s suggestion that everything else we do in our lives should be considered play time, here noted as drunken dumbshow. Though somewhat tongue-in-cheek, Ginsberg believes, in essence, that anything we do in life that does not ease the pain we experience simply by living is a waste of time. In other words, our thoughts and goals should constantly be tilted towards the easing of our pains. In other words, life on its own is pain. Our jobs in life is to enjoy it as best we can with disregard for the pain, acknowledging that it is there and it hurts us, but without letting the perpetuation of pain become our work.<br /><br />Chemotherapy is obviously part of the beat culture along with Allen Ginsberg. I dig that. If we are to agree that our work is to ease the pain of living, then chemotherapy does work as it eases the pain of cancer. I find that as long as I do my “Work,” then chemotherapy does his. Sometimes phrases become cliches because they are true, like when a sports player says, "Well, you just gotta go out there and give it your all." That's a truth-cliche. It pertains to life in general and it is a good life lesson. Other times cliches are formed because people do not stop and ask why, like the phrase "When in Rome do as the Romans do." That is an untruth-cliche. I'm not a fucking Roman. If I followed that cliche as a lesson for life it would tell me that I should change my beliefs and practices depending on the beliefs and practices of those surrounding me. If I'm off my rocker I want people to know about it. Do as the Romans do is death to you as you. I'll live doing unlike the Romans because I can rest my head on the pillow knowing that I heeded Ginsberg's advice: "<em>Follow your inner moonlight; don't hide the madness."</em><br /><br />"<em>The weight of the world is love. Under the burden of solitude, under the burden of dissatisfaction."</em> - Allen GinsbergAndrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653298138679360955noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5573239105686854957.post-6583928875140228502009-04-02T13:00:00.002-04:002009-04-02T13:35:07.892-04:00Oh, How Times Have Changed...As many of you know, yesterday was April 1st. The infamous day of pranks and practical jokes known as April Fool's Day. Yesterday also happened to be the one year anniversary of my surgery to remove a potentially fatal brain tumor. As a form of habit we compartmentalize our days according to some habit forming method. The day starts when we wake up, the next phase being the arrival at work, the 10 o'clock pause to fill the coffee cup, lunch between 12:30-1:30, another pause around 3 o'clock and the punching out of work being the final. Yesterday, though, my day was separated according to a different set of references. 7:30 was not associated with my half-way point between work and home, but rather with my preoperative preparation at last year. 8:15 was not associated with my arrival at work, but rather the acceptance of my epidural. 7 o'clock was not quitting time, but rather the time I could remember being brought into the Neurology Observation Unit. It was certainly a different way to view my day, but I got through it.<div><br /></div><div>It was very surreal though. I continued to recall blurbs from last year. The discussion with the anesthesiologist of preferring scotch to margaritas. His insistence that I would soon fall asleep, and my subsequent refusal to do so. His frustration and ultimate timidity in giving me doses that exceeded those he normally likes to distribute. My anxious dissipation into ultimate darkness. My cloudy immersion in the recovery unit and the shrouded realization of where I was and why I was there. Recognizing the nursing assistant in the corner who was the first person to know that I was awake who immediately called in the doctors and assistants. Hearing the question, "You are recovering right now. Do you know where you are." The shaking of my head indicating that I did not know. "Do you know why you would be in the hospital or why you would have had surgery?" The second shaking of my head in denial of understanding the situation. "Do you know who you are?" My occipital response of gazing off into the upper left corner of my eyes as if trying to recall my name and who I am. Observing the deeply concerned looks exchanged between attending surgeons and nurses who were immediately instructed to get the primary surgeon. I recalled the slowly cracking smile that stretched painfully across my face as I finally spoke saying, "Hey! April Fools." Watching as the surgeons and nurses angrily sauntered out of the room and hearing that initial nursing assistant hold back her laughter. </div><div><br /></div><div>I had told my brother Sam before the surgery that if I woke up after the operation and I could still make a joke that my family should know everything was okay. I remember the primary surgeon coming in to perform a quick mental test. If you recall, this is where I was asked to remember those three words: Cat. Apple. Table. I did. My reward: seeing the family members who had been sitting in the lobby of the hospital for endless hours. My mom came in holding back tears and my father came in with a happy smile on his face. I presumed above average news was relayed to them. I remember my brother coming in pretty even-keeled. My Aunt Lucine stayed at the entrance way and was hesitant to come into the room. My family could only stay for a few minutes and I asked them if things had gone well. They said the doctor gave them positive reinforcement that things had gone exceptionally well. They left.</div><div><br /></div><div>I asked the nursing assistant to make sure that as soon as Katie got to the hospital to make sure that she was allowed to come right in to see me. She promised. And when Katie arrived she came right in along with my brother. Man, Katie looked horrified when she saw me. I don't know if I told her that before this. I told her that she looked horrified when they removed my bandages, but I don't think she knows how she looked when she first saw me post operation. To her credit, she tried to hide it. I was happy to see her. I was ready to be moved out of the recovery room immediately. Finally around seven-ish I was brought into the observation room. I spent the night acting as if nothing had happened and trying to avoid the 1,000 pound gorilla in the room. It was interesting to say the least.</div><div><br /></div><div>Last night I was driving home around 7:00 p.m. I arrived at my fiancee's house after 8 o'clock. We watched shark-inspired episodes of Mythbusters. We fell asleep on the couch around 9:30. Then I went to bed.</div><div><br /></div><div>A lot can change from one year to the next. That's the simultaneous beauty and disgust of life. But that's the way things go, so either deal with it or be destined to suffer because of it.</div>Andrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653298138679360955noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5573239105686854957.post-33875630182336039032009-04-01T09:32:00.006-04:002009-04-01T15:19:29.329-04:00Call Miss Cleo for Your Free Tarot Readin'...<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtWuuPan7KERF489YJFnfIfJ5EEwa3lmj768MAbV2qe__LEYRmKVF48nD0EsiLer9jV7xvSxRKU8JAY0vDlOAPtz9S7B8aVLC7kg9oI9YZaIci18NfDXDj3lmKQt6uly6urCKX1SxhaNo/s1600-h/CLEO.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5319804701944644738" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 111px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 83px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtWuuPan7KERF489YJFnfIfJ5EEwa3lmj768MAbV2qe__LEYRmKVF48nD0EsiLer9jV7xvSxRKU8JAY0vDlOAPtz9S7B8aVLC7kg9oI9YZaIci18NfDXDj3lmKQt6uly6urCKX1SxhaNo/s400/CLEO.jpg" border="0" /></a> It seems to me that the existence of psychic abilities is something that most definitely exists. The definition of psychic abilities is the ability to perceive hidden information through means independent of the physical senses and independent of previous experience. This is more popularly known as extrasensory perception or ESP and it can be manifested through clairvoyance, precognition, or telepathy.<br /><br />I tend to believe in the existence of psychic abilities because the main focus of the textbook definition maintains the ability to know things, or know about things, that already exist in reality. Clairvoyance and telepathy are the abilities to uncover information about an object, person, place, or action that actually exists. For instance, a clairvoyant could describe the actual appearance of a house in the Czechoslovakian countryside as if he were standing in front of it or had stood it front of it, though he has had no previous experience with the house. The point is that the house is actual and not potential and the psychic "power" is the ability to describe it without having experienced it. It is similar with precognition. Every moment of existence leading up until today has created a trajectory for the future. If we freeze time and prohibit any stimuli from acting on the present, then there will be a logically determinate future. I believe that precognitive people are able to tap into this trajectory at a given moment in time, but the prediction would only be true if nothing else changes, which we know is not the case. Therefore, any prediction a precognitive individ<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5sFrfF7RYNz2LdEdaOdP0kaQ7q-9V5R4jx-PK-qEtB8cPzmcYitw6wyEvFzTrnt0P6fF4JaVwDnpr0wx6ISct8nlnP2QUIb1_oR6Z5PolRk6n_tKHsoRvEopVDC5w8Jdi6rgOQbDfdAs/s1600-h/earth_grid.jpg"></a>ual can make, though it may be true at the time of the prediction, will subsequently be subjected to an ever depreciating ratio of truth.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilehY-AnGiQ8C9ywsbxWMsQZHtTOShGZg_v4PypNAgNcn1DbexwmslFjf0QkoxfmNyvpj-6KbSFxAZGEKR1RdmZ61eixKr5rT6rMc285ZShUdfPNEgYCtwx2doTVWe6LlwqU3ldf9MS70/s1600-h/earth_grid.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5319804147671536706" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 196px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 200px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilehY-AnGiQ8C9ywsbxWMsQZHtTOShGZg_v4PypNAgNcn1DbexwmslFjf0QkoxfmNyvpj-6KbSFxAZGEKR1RdmZ61eixKr5rT6rMc285ZShUdfPNEgYCtwx2doTVWe6LlwqU3ldf9MS70/s200/earth_grid.jpg" border="0" /></a>In a sense, psychic abilities are the abilties to access the mental atmosphere that encapsulates the earth and all of it's objects. This is known as the noosphere, which is the sphere of human sonsciousness and mental activity especially in regard to its influence on the biosphere and in relation to evolution (<a href="http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/noosphere">http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/noosphere</a>). The noosphere is a global consciousness in which the knowledge and emotions of every individual in the world comes together in an ocean-like existence. The belief is that all people are able to access the noosphere, thus access the collective knowledge of the human race if they could only train their minds properly. It is in this light that I believe psychic powers exist. They are not determining something that is not there or does not exist; rather, they are able to manipulate their minds to access the global knowledge of the noosphere.<br /><br />I'm crazy... yeah, like a fox:<br />In the 1960s it was believed that the Russian government was investing extraordinary amounts of money into funding and developing psychic research as it pertained to effective government and military usage. Apparently it was such an issue that between 1968 and 1971 the United States government developed a similar program that existed until 1995 under both the United States Army and the Central Intelligence Agency (C.I.A.). The Stragate Project was de-classified in 1995, at which point various members associated with the program authored books and gave interviews documenting their experiences with the project. This was not just a program that scientifically researched whether or not psychic abilities existed. The Stargate Project has documented well over 100 missions in which remote viewers (psychics) were used to gather intelligence that had not been recovered through any other possible means. The most gifted individuals within the prgram achieved over 65% accuracy above chance. The individuals of the Stargate Project displayed elements of clairvoyance and precognition. Even though funding ended in 1995, the actual use of people as psychic spies and over two decades worth of research entails the United States government believed in the existence of psychic abilities. They believed in it to the tune of $20 million (<a href="http://www.fas.org/irp/program/collect/stargate.htm">www.fas.org/irp/program/collect/stargate.htm</a>).<br /><br />Does this mean that some psychic reader popping you off at $60 per 30 minutes in "Earth Spirit" along the strip mall is telling the truth when they say you have an old soul, or that your relationship will/won't last, or that so-and-so will/won't die? Hardly. Consider: if psychics (and I mean street psychics that purport to know the future and delegate that information at a cost) were accurate, why would you ever need to go back? Is it any wonder why they only predict your life three to six months into the future and tell you to come back for more after then? These people should be avoiding death, anticipating stock market moves, curing cancer, predicting natural disasters, and betting the ponies. They should be doing anything with their skill other than peddling pennies from people who enjoy the theatrics and awe of magic tricks.<br /><br />Any single, individual life is capable of progressing down an infinite number of paths. The decisions and goings-on of today dictate the possible futures that can exist. If we are to believe that all psychics (even the street psychics and Tarot card readers) are honest and legitimate, then a professed psychic <strong><em>AT BEST</em></strong> is able to predict one of the infinite pathways your life can take, but in no way can guarantee that things will manifest themselves according to the manner they have predicted. Again, if the psychic is real, then we must assume the reason they tell us to return in six months is because the decisions and happenstances that have occurred in the six months since your visit have dramatically altered your future. In short, they tell you what your future will be, but it's up to you to decide if you want to change it.<br /><br />It's okay to believe in psychic abilities, it would appear it's even rational to do so. But then, on pain of irrationality, should believe in Judeo-Christian predestination, proclaimed prophets, UFOs, aliens, and God. Do me a favor though: let's not get all fidgety just because Sarah the psychic in Red Bank says I'm going to die before 30 after I have my first child, because last time I was having three children and living into my 60s, and the time before that I was marrying someone I don't even know yet and dying in my 40s, and before that I was not going to live more than a few more months.<br /><br />Just like a story's plot doesn't progress if you never read the next page, your future cannot be determined until you decide to make it so. So fuck the psychics and forget the trembling worries of what may come and step outside of your bubble. Life is waiting for you to tell it what to do.Andrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653298138679360955noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5573239105686854957.post-51937690869845292692009-03-25T15:41:00.005-04:002009-03-25T16:56:39.237-04:00With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility...<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQkTwf4Ut9fBZ7zKqc_uE12OUicEiGThsuHTnyqVLBhYWqrFfjIebVoQcEEz27NZbMaVuJE_DJYoTalo-rkj_4B-IcAPuVazTrFPzgjXV4PYwBSdu88IYeyzqLhxULyvdNtJ53dPrJogs/s1600-h/1812309125_53a07e74bd.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5317231206673699874" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 240px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQkTwf4Ut9fBZ7zKqc_uE12OUicEiGThsuHTnyqVLBhYWqrFfjIebVoQcEEz27NZbMaVuJE_DJYoTalo-rkj_4B-IcAPuVazTrFPzgjXV4PYwBSdu88IYeyzqLhxULyvdNtJ53dPrJogs/s320/1812309125_53a07e74bd.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div>Super-heroes and super-villains are the fictional recreations of our society’s dialectic between good and evil and the human condition in its entirety. As I’ve said before, all forms of art are only effective through their ability to reflect a tangible aspect of society back towards the audience. Super-heroes and super-villains hold a place within all of us exactly because of their usefulness in magnifying the fundamental aspects of good and evil, making these abstract concepts more accessible. The three most widely recognizable superheroes are Superman, Spiderman, and Batman. This triumvirate are intrinsically balanced as each of these three super-heroes represents one of the three major types of super-people.<br /><br />Superman represents the first group, which is the alien super-hero/super-villain. Superman, who was born as Kal-El on the planet Krypton, arrived in Kansas and was raised by farmers and he assumed the identity of Clark Kent. A fundamental understanding of Superman is that he is NOT human. There is an implied philosophical sentiment by Superman supporters that presupposes that, if we are to take Superman as wholly good, then the human condition, even in its most optimistic proliferation, is incapable of ultimate success or ultimate “good” just as humans are incapable of doing the things Superman does. Kal-El is an alien, but he represents what we humans consider as desireable traits. He is strong, fast, and supremely moral. His superpowers are of the best ilk. He can fly, he has x-ray vision, he is faster than the speed of light, he is bulletproof, he has endless strength, and so on and so forth. All of these traits are juxtaposed with his nemesis Lex Luthor. Luthor is viewed as existing in the highest tier of humanity. He is wealthy, philanthropic, and intelligent. Moreover, Lex Luthor is the one that is human, yet he is the embodiment of what humans stereotypically consider evil. Superman does not represent what a man can become, rather he represents what we want to become, but never will. There is the implication that the human is less than perfect in his inability to become what Superman is.<br /><br />Spiderman represents the second group of super-heroes/super-villains, which are those that are genetically altered human beings. As opposed to Superman, Spiderman is a human being. He is Peter Parker. In order to become Spiderman, though, Peter Parker had to be bitten by a radioactive spider whose radioactive venom significantly altered his genes, thus creating Spiderman. While Superman maintained his powers as an element of his physical construction alone, Spiderman's powers are a mixture of his physical mutations and his pre-existing intelligence. He has "spidey-senses" and he is fantastically agile and much stronger. He also has the ability to defy gravity by climbing walls and by having a supreme mastery over his body. Intellectually his powers are made more prominent as he creates a technological device that allows him to shoot a web-like substance from his wrists in the likeness of a spider. We must note, though, that there is a significant distinction between Peter Parker and Spiderman. Peter is a kind and gentle-hearted individual who keeps his identity hidden, but Spiderman is a lush for the spotlight. Spiderman is received with mixed reviews by the public as some see him as a savior, but others see him as a menace. Since Spiderman is created from a genetic mutation of the human condition, we must view Spiderman similar to Superman, though we are able to relate with the former more than the latter: Spiderman does not represent into what a man can make himself, rather he represents what we might possibly be is we were changed. Again, there is an implication that human beings are destined to fall short of the desired self since they cannot become what Spiderman is without the rarest of circumstances.<br /><br />Batman represents the third group of super-heroes. These characters are human through and through and their "super"-ego (not Freudian) is entirely consistent with their humanity. Batman is neither an alien, nor have his genetics been altered in any way shape or form. Batman is the multi-billionaire Bruce Wayne, owner and operator of Wayne Enterprises. Batman is not an example of what we want to be or what the maximum human output could be if external influences are introduced, rather Batman exemplifies what a strong human will can do all on its own (and lots and lots of money). Batman captures humanity completely. Unlike Superman, there is no definitive distinction between good and evil. In reality, we do not live in a black and white world. We live in a world of infinite shades of gray. Good and evil ("in and of themselves" - : P) are illusions; the method that Batman operates on, and the method that appears most in sync with reality, is that the situation and the environment and the "before" and "after" determine what is good and what is bad, and that distinction only applies to that specific situation. Batman does not have superpowers, he uses intelligence and grit to establish himself as a super-hero. An awesome car, a trusty utility belt, a resolute mind, and complete fearlessness are Batman's powers. Even Batman's enemies do not have superpowers. They are all perversions of the human form. The Joker is a sadistic, schizophrenic, masochistic individual who is severely detached from rality. The Penguin is a deformed human, abandoned in his infancy, and looking for vindication. Two-Face was the famous politician Harvery Dent who lost the love of his life because of Batman's mistake and now vows to oppose Batman at every turn. Batman represents exactly what a normal, yet determined individual can accomplish if he grits his teeth and decides that no matter what he will perservere.<br /><br />We will not all be Superman. </div><div>We will not all be Spiderman. </div><div>We will not all be Batman.<br /><br />The thing is this:<br /><br />We don't have what we need to become Superman.<br />We don't have what we need to become Spiderman. (Sorry Sam)<br />But we have exactly everything we will ever need to become Batman: determination and perserverance.<br /><br />I am the Bat!</div>Andrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653298138679360955noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5573239105686854957.post-84328643474250187492009-03-17T13:54:00.005-04:002009-03-17T17:54:31.419-04:00The Song Remains The Same...<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhb3IQIwZMWkRRfcUtZR1w-dI_BbZkvQYOAfY9_eSvXyAP_UdKe4Jpvm0-07G4ZSI2irUzjUYttlu0YHhQ-z4MGqg393mIeH927WaV59NYRYb8QrmMVMqt_6BOOfJA_UqBG_IIbwHB7Zec/s1600-h/abbey+road.bmp"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5314278337703137794" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 150px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhb3IQIwZMWkRRfcUtZR1w-dI_BbZkvQYOAfY9_eSvXyAP_UdKe4Jpvm0-07G4ZSI2irUzjUYttlu0YHhQ-z4MGqg393mIeH927WaV59NYRYb8QrmMVMqt_6BOOfJA_UqBG_IIbwHB7Zec/s200/abbey+road.bmp" border="0" /></a>Life is a song...<br /><br />A gorgeous blend of rhythm, harmony, melody, tonality, theme, and motif. An antiquated balance between form and function, between studied theory and whimsical talent, between percussive dominance and rhythmic passivity. A continuous interplay between instrumental equivalents finding a voice within a construction and settling into a comfortable role. Think Jazz with me: any instrument can lead the musical arrangement, it just depends on the intended construction and the moment in the song. Sometimes, each instrument has it's time in the sun. Now the lead guitar vacillates all over the musical staff - major, minor, thirds, sevenths, diminished, augmented, pentatonic - the direction is left to the guitar. Now the bass takes hold, the grooving bass that forces you to bob - not nod - your head in calm and collected coolness. Then the drummer kicks it with some rolls, a bit of a high hat, syncopated beats, speed ups and slow downs that beg for toe-tapping.<br /><br />Life is similarly constructed of a confluence of elements that result in a symphonic and harmonious output. Some lives are psychedelic, some rock and roll, others are classical, and still others are somewhere else. Some people do a lot of talking in their lives, just like some songs focus on the lyrics. Some people do a lot of waiting in lives, just like some songs focus on the music. Some people do a lot of crazy things in life, just like song solos are all over the place. Some people stay very close to the chest, just like some songs keep it very simple. There is no life that is definitively and objectively better than another, just like there is no definitive and objective way to place songs in a particular order.<br /><br />Though our verses tell the story of the goings-on that make up the fluidity of our lives, it is the chorus that is the real meat and potatoes. Those battle-tested beliefs and ideals that we continuously fall back on. Our cheat-sheet that we use as the basis for all of our decisions. Just like the song, our lives always come back to the chorus or the hook. And just like a good song, if you have no hook, then you have no song. It's the "Bye, Bye, Bye" and the "Oops, I Did It Again" that pulls you back in. It's the "Let It Be" and the "If You Want Blood" that grabs our attention. It's the "Sipping on Gin and Juice" and the "It's Tricky To Rock Around, To Rock Around the Clock" that sticks with us. It's the "Lovin' Is What I Got" and the "Whoa, Amber is The Color of Your Energy" that bobs the head.<br /><br />A great song is like a beautiful work of art. Whereas artwork stimulates your mind visually, music stimulates your brain sonically. Both are constructed with interconnected complexities that add or subtract various levels of depth. The most important correlation between the two, however, is that the power both have over the individual. Moreover, that power is directly proportionate to the ability of the artwork to impact the audience through the reflecting of life back towards the audience. Every great piece of artwork - paintings, songs, symphonies, sculptures, novels, theater, television, films - is characterized by the ability to reflect an aspect of life back to the audience. Some for humor and some for drama and some for both. This is no matter. The point is to remember that these artistic creations reflect our lives and we are not supposed to make our lives reflect them.<br /><br />Sometimes, even, art can be an even better representation of the realities of life than life:<br /><em>"And, in the end, the love you take, </em><br /><em>Is equal to the love you make."<strong> - </strong></em>"The End", The Beatles, Abbey RoadAndrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653298138679360955noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5573239105686854957.post-82738730092108558272009-03-16T15:50:00.006-04:002009-03-17T09:07:17.167-04:00"People used what they called a telephone because they hated being close together and they were scared of being alone." - Chuck Palahniuk<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOnL14Zt3nBDsUn0usOxOjNuBJAcFGOxNRsncIcQsqvE6WuiKfRRcpS43DHW2w9sNlFpK1Y4e1S2Ea-tSjpmU0DWOk0Xs9fX-6j-RzGIj6mIuWulGwTXRLq1TbPTSOup9iPAyVhdK-Xns/s1600-h/telephone.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5313904808483404194" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 149px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 200px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOnL14Zt3nBDsUn0usOxOjNuBJAcFGOxNRsncIcQsqvE6WuiKfRRcpS43DHW2w9sNlFpK1Y4e1S2Ea-tSjpmU0DWOk0Xs9fX-6j-RzGIj6mIuWulGwTXRLq1TbPTSOup9iPAyVhdK-Xns/s200/telephone.jpg" border="0" /></a> Do you ever feel that when you are talking to someone they are not really listening to you, but really just waiting for their turn to talk? Sometimes they don't even wait politely, right? Those are the people that say "right" or "yeah" after every sentence just waiting for the moment you hesitate too long so they can tell you how what you are telling them is "just like this one time..." I am trying to figure out how it is that some people just always know exactly what you're talking about and, luckily enough, are able to relate it to some story in their own lives. I'll tell you it feels refreshing when someone can relate to what you are going through. At the same time, it's awfully annoying when the person makes it seem as if they are the only ones that have anything interesting to say. Even if they don't believe it, they sure as shit need to pretend a lot better.<br /><br />Sure it comes from our narcissistic, ego-centric belief that we are the proverbially straw that stirs the drink. Again, we are the star actors in our own lives. It's like a self-help author reading his own book for advice. If you don't want to hear what other people have to say, then talk to the mirror. Although, that might result in You fighting Yourself since neither You nor Yourself would get a chance to talk since the other one will constantly be talking over the other. That's a good way to guarantee split-personality disorder. You will be fighting with Yourself because You won't stop talking over Yourself and You won't be giving Yourself a chance to talk.<br /><br />People won't even listen to you when they think you're going to die. They really try at that time to convince you of what you should or should not be feeling. I laid in the hospital the night before my brain surgery and had my brother and my future sister-in-law and my parents there. Of course, My Love was there as well. Some close relatives on the low. I told my parents that I just wanted to hang out and stay relaxed. In no time I had a church ceremony taking place in my hospital room. Frankincense and myrrh including in the celebration of "mass." Even a sermon was given in which the participants prayed for a "miracle" hoping that I would come out alive. Goodness, I was nervous, but at least I was confident. Then I hear people praying for the miracle of my survival and I became upset. Pissed off I believe would be the accepted F-ing vernacular. People pretend they want to listen to you when they think you are dying, but really they just want to savor those last few moments to tell you what <strong><em>they</em></strong> really think. I assume they hope to send you up to heaven with their words as your last memory so that you can tell the peoples upstairs how awesome they are.<br /><br />I don't like to lack faith in people, but sometimes people make it too hard not to lose faith. People don't want to talk to each other. Politicians don't want to listen, they are all a bunch of opportunists. They want the power superstructure to fail so that they have a platform on which to pontificate their equally ridiculous ideals. Many religious individuals don't want to listen, they would rather explain how you and your peers seated around you are spitting in God's face just by enjoying a fine meal or a few glasses of an alcoholic beverage, while they are somehow closer to God because they attended seminary school. It doesn't just float to the top though, even our peers don't want to listen. We all want to be the one to untie the Gordian Knot (or at least be savvy enough to slice through it with our mighty sword Excalibur, thus ascending the throne and running Camelot like a BAMF).<br /><br />I talk a lot and I sure as shit act like I know what I'm talking about all the time. I hate being wrong. When I am, I will admit it (however begrudgingly it comes). I will also try and see anything from your point of view even if I disagree with it. I really will. No matter how far up my own ass I have to try and put my head. I'm flexible. We don't even really like each other except for the few specials in our lives. Why else would we invent phones to be used between individuals separated by mere rooms. Or the Internet. We would rather text a question than ask it. MensHealth actually had to survey women to see what their reactions are to being asked out through text/e-mail because so many jack-asses seem to be doing it <strong><em>instead of</em></strong> the phone call, which is already distancing in itself.<br /><br />All I think is deserved is the mutual respect among all of us to shut up and listen when someone else is having a conversation with you. One-on-one we should wait, listen, then thoughtfully respond rather than bite our tongues until it's our turn. Just listen with open ears and an open mind and I promise you will hear new things in old places, and you will gain knowledge where you thought none existed.Andrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653298138679360955noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5573239105686854957.post-16287557653235367772009-03-13T17:39:00.001-04:002009-03-13T17:42:26.190-04:00Be like water...“<em><span style="font-size:85%;">Success and failure are both difficult to endure. Along with success come drugs, divorce, fornication, bullying, travel, meditation, medication, depression, neurosis, and suicide. With failure comes failure.”</span></em> – Joseph Heller<br />Many people throughout history have discussed suicide. It has been understood both as a form of cowardice and a form of heroism. Aristotle believed that even though suicide displayed bravery in the face of death, it is always the escape of some fearful thing and so it is the love-child of cowardice. Albert Camus wrote about suicide being the only thing that a man can do that is truly taking control of his own life. Phil Donahue believed “<em><span style="font-size:85%;">suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem</span></em>.” Shakespeare focuses on suicide over and over throughout his plays and, coincidentally they are featured in his most celebrated plays “Romeo and Juliet,” “Hamlet,” “King Lear,” “Othello,” and more. There was even a time in our history that believed that suicide was fashionable as satirically portrayed in the Winona Rider movie “The Heathers.” Dante Alighieri believed the innermost circles of hell were reserved for the abhorrent individuals who chose to commit suicide instead of face life. Arthur Schopenhauer said, “<em><span style="font-size:85%;">They tell us that suicide is the greatest piece of cowardice… that suicide is wrong; when it is quite obvious that there is nothing in the world to which every man has a more unassailable title than to his own life and person</span></em>.”<br />I fall on the side of cowardice. Life is hard. It’s supposed to be hard. It’s hard for every animal on the planet, the difference being our knowledge of the difficulty. I can agree that surviving in life is difficult and the knowledge of our unforgiving existence is regrettable, thus I suppose that suicide, or the wishing for death to come, is a means of relieving the pain and difficulty. But it is not life that we are hoping to avoid through suicide; rather, it is the tribulations and afflictions that confront us in life that we run from through suicide. So, suicide simultaneously delivers us from our pain, but condemns us to never experience the positives that come from life.<br />We refuse to accept the vicissitudes of life and this is why we are met with adversity that we believe we cannot overcome except through suicide. Some forms of martial arts, such as Aikido, discuss the forces of fighting like the forces of nature, more specifically as the force of water. The key to be truly prepared to endure any attack from an opponent is to remain in a relaxed position that is adaptable to an attack from any angle. Most importantly, one should not attempt to defend the incoming force with opposing outgoing force; rather, the trick is to use the incoming force as a method of avoiding the contact. Is that confusing? Instead of trying to block a punch by forcefully raising your arm, logically it is easier to avoid the punch by stepping to the side and using the puncher’s momentum to put him to his back. Such is the same in life. Instead of fighting against the difficulties of life, which can lead us to take extremes measures to avoid them, we need to work with the forces of nature in order to survive. We say we want to live in reality, that is what “The Matrix” portrays, that if given the choice between a real reality and a fake reality we will take the real one. I agree with this idea, but I disagree that people truly want this. Most people are like Cipher from the first matrix movie, they wish they had taken the blue pill.<br />Reality is the painful and usually slow realization that your life is not like the movies and books you have wished them to be. Your life is hard and it sucks, but it’s a better option than death I assure you. Our buddy Chuck Palahniuk said, “Reality means you live until you die. The real truth is nobody wants reality.” They want a hyper-reality. They want a life that they believe they deserve rather than the life that they have been given. Suicide may not be cowardice and it may be brave, or the opposite. I don’t know for sure. I can tell you this much: with people trying to hang on to life by a thin thread, clinging on and fighting to endure things unimaginable, even the mere contemplation of suicide, let alone the act of suicide, is a direct slap in the face. Some have lost loved ones against their wills, and when they are confronted with a person who decides that taking their own life is their will, I think it is perfectly acceptable to slap them right back. Draconian laws are acceptable with suicidal miscreants.<br />“<em><span style="font-size:85%;">There is a time in every man’s education when he arrives at the conviction that envy is ignorance, that imitation is suicide, that he must take himself for better or for worse.”</span></em> – Ralph Waldo EmersonAndrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653298138679360955noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5573239105686854957.post-69346191077060628992009-03-11T15:20:00.004-04:002009-03-13T08:52:27.174-04:00Brave men rejoice in adversity, just as brave soldiers triumph in war...<em><span style="font-size:85%;">"Find out what you're afraid of and go live there."</span></em> - Chuck Palahniuk<br /><br />Mr. Palahniuk is the author of "Fight Club" that, yes, was a book before it was a movie. The man is a somewhat dark and demented author, but poetic and invigorating and exciting. To really appreciate him you have to peel away the layers of what he writes to find some underlying, deeply buried moral that exists in his writings. If you do, then amidst the animated violence and degradation that we all intuitively associate with a movie like "Fight Club," and so also the author that we may not even know, we can discover soul-searching parcels such as the one highlighted above.<br /><br />Fight Club is not about fighting, neither the book nor the movie. It's about an ideology other than the materialist one to which we all mindlessly abide. More than that, it is about a polarizing new ideology that forces us to confront the choices that we have made in our own lives and whether or not they are the appropriate ones. The message to me really seems to focus on what can happen when we accept ANY ideology without paying close attention to ensure that we are in control of our ideology and not that our ideology controls us and inevitably leads us to commit random acts of vandalism and possibly incinerate credit card buildings in an attempt to erase the national debt and wipe the slate clean.<br /><br />My focus today, though, wants to stay on the quotation above. As Colonel Kurtz aptly puts it in Apocalypse Now in 1979 (which was also based on a book written before the movie came out, The Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad) horror has a face and you must make a friend of horror or else it is truly an enemy to be feared. Confrontation to the ultimate degree is our chance to prove ourselves, our bank-like stress tests in a sense. The first Century Roman philosopher Seneca wrote, "Fire is the test of gold; adversity, of strong men." We are defined by our battle-hardened bodies and psyches much like the soldier receives adornment beside his lapel for his struggles. We have our sniper medals, and purple hearts, and medals of honor, except we don't place them neatly on our chests, nor should we. Because the knowledge is won internally so too should the knowledge remain. We find out something about ourselves by going to battle in our lives, and there is no reason to boast or brag about our accomplishments by putting them on display. We cannot assume that we know the battle tested hearts of the people walking past us.<br /><br />The sentiment in the quotation, then, follows: we must find exactly what it is we are afraid of, and then set up camp until we overcome that fear. A man must be willing to face his fears or else he does not know of what he is truly afraid. I'll tell you, cancer was not something that I was excited about, but it was something that I had to confront. I have done as best I could. If you bring yourself to the challenge and do not run from your fears, and you do the best you can, then you have already won. A tragedy is an opportunity to do something special.<br /><br />"<span style="font-size:85%;"><em>I wanted to write about the moment when your addictions no longer hide the truth from you. When your whole life breaks down. That's the moment when you have to somehow choose what your life is going to be about."</em></span> - Chuck PalahniukAndrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653298138679360955noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5573239105686854957.post-46738084396184440902009-03-05T13:35:00.003-05:002009-03-05T14:33:09.747-05:00Our Matrix..."I think, therefore I am" holds that being able to think is both sufficient and necessary to knowing that one exists. That is, you must be able to think in order for you to possible know that you exists and if you are not able to think, then it is impossible to know for sure that you exist. Further, if it is true that you are able to think, then it is guaranteed that you exist. Let us forget postulated arguments to this position and accept the standard belief. We will not bother with the brain-in-the-vat dilemma or the moral implications of the statement for beings that lack the capacity to reason in a rational way.<div><br /></div><div>When Descartes said "I think, therefore I am," he attached this to a theory that everything that exists outside of the mind is perceived through a perceptive sensory organ that renders the individual incapable of <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">directly</span> interacting with the object outside of the mind. Without being directly in contact with an object, our minds are susceptible to misinterpret or misunderstand the object. The support for this is that when we look at an object from a certain position it appears to be a square, but as we move we are enlightened to the idea that the object is in three-dimensions and is actually a rectangle. In essence, our perception of the object through our sensory organs of our eyes caused our mind to pervert the actual nature of the outside object. Even our sense of touch can be deceived as in cases that have been reported of amputees feeling pain in the limb that has been removed through operation. In any event, what we understand through the words of Descartes is that everything that exists outside of our minds - including our bodies - are unreliable in their truths, and so are open to subjective interpretation.</div><div><br /></div><div>Through our interaction with the world over time the number of levels that we are removed from outside reality has continuously grown. This phenomenon can be understood by reading the post-modern philosophy of Jean Baudrillard perhaps most notably in <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Simulacra and Simulations. </span>According to Baudrillard, technology and philosophical and intellectual elitism has constructed a world of hyper-reality in which simulations for reality have been created ideologically, metaphorically, and realistically in order to take the place of actual reality. Our every interaction with reality is actually an interaction with a created reality - a simulation of reality. The things we see, read, hear, and learn are filtered through a measured and exact narrative that is intended to perpetuate a particular message, image, or idea. </div><div><br /></div><div>Former reality television show characters (and indeed characters is the correct term) wage their biggest indictment against the shows themselves by claiming that the producers will edit video in order to convey a certain perception of reality. This is one thing with which I agree with Amaya from The Real World Hawaii house. It is called reality-tv, but we all know it's not and that's why we like it. We see two cast members meet on move-in day and hear "Bleeding in Love" by Leona Lewis and I know that during the season one of the characters will express an unrequited love for the other, maybe like Melissa excessive crush on Jaime from The Real World New Orleans. </div><div><br /></div><div>It is worse, though. Even our news is filtered and constructed around a particular narrative. The narrative arc spans further than just republican and democrat, right and left, conservative and liberal. The arc follows a certain pattern of attention grabbing imagery and language in addition to a subtle selection, by producers and executives, about what constitutes as news. During the democratic primaries, The media made a disproportionate amount of news fodder from the fact that Barack Obama did not wear the American flag pin on his lapel; meanwhile, there was nearly zero discussion regarding the beginning of the economic decline (or depression). Even when we watch shows like "Planet Earth" on the discovery channel or live footage of animals in their natural environments, what we are seeing is distributed through so many different levels - the presence of the film technician, the transition of the film to the studio, the editing of the film at the studio, the transmission of the film through the television, the narrative tone that is displayed from the opening credits of the show until the moment that I am viewing the moment in question, the music in the background, the juxtaposition of frames and angles, the script of the narrator or on-air personality, the time of day the show appears, the show's targeted audience, and even the actual audience that tunes in to watch. Of course, there is also our perception of what we see and our processing of all the relative information in our minds, which we know is often deceived by the things that exist outside of it, not to mention its ability to be deceived when people are influencing a thing in a manner that is different than how that thing might be without interaction or interpretation.</div><div><br /></div><div>One of the most often levied criticisms of left-wing documentaries is that they are so prejudiced in the content they elect to provide that it negates the content itself. This is a method of arguing called poisoning-the-well. In essence, instead of addressing the content given to me directly, I refute the argument based on either the manner it is presented or on the individual or group presenting it to me. For example, if a convicted murderer said that they believed that free market economy was the best way to guarantee free trade principles, it would be improper argumentation to say that the person must be wrong because he is a jailed murderer. This is what happens to Michael Moore. He makes a documentary and it appears so radical to some people that it is refuted without giving consideration to its merits. On the other hand, at times it is indoctrinated based on its having been made by Michael Moore. Neither approaches are logically sound arguments. You don't like Michael Moore because of "Fahrenheit 9/11" that's okay because it deals with a very difficult subject matter. Have you ever needed a surgery that you didn't get because your insurance didn't cover it, or because you didn't have insurance? Watch "Sicko" and perhaps your opinion may change. </div><div><br /></div><div>I used to think that their was good and bad, right and wrong, moral and immoral, light and dark, love and hate, night and day. Even the most basic investigation yields that these are but two extremes of extensive spectra. Life and the individual are not made to contain either one or the other; rather, they are suited to - even created for - exemplifying some combination of the opposites. There is lightness and darkness within us all, but it comes down to deciding which we choose to follow in a given moment. Night and day appear separated, but there are the moments as the sun begins to go down and the sky is painted orange, red, and magenta where the night comes to join the day, the light comes to join the dark, and the two hold hands above our heads. And we can see all the gradient in-between of light and dark. It is living ideology. It is philosophy personified and we see this every night. Since the classical times of Greece and Rome, the greatest thinkers of the world have tried to find a universal code of ethics and none has developed one that has not been refuted on firm grounds. Logically, your moral codes would be determined by the subjective ethics you choose to follow. </div><div><br /></div><div>And so I return to the thought that I can only be sure that I exist because I am sure that I am thinking. Reality is contained in the mind. It is not contained in the body or in the bank or in society. It does not seem reasonable to surrender our minds to those who wish to uphold the convictions of their own. Let us be inquisitive, but let us be resolute. Power lives in the mind, and the subjective reality lives in power. Be not afraid of the world, nor anything that comes in your way. No obstacle, no force, no situation is too much for you. Descartes' dilemma works in both directions. If you cannot really interact with the things outside of your mind, then likewise those things cannot really interact with you. If they can't do that, then they can't affect you. So, I say again: color the duck your way.</div>Andrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653298138679360955noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5573239105686854957.post-51264153322860751882009-03-04T15:31:00.003-05:002009-03-04T17:46:38.030-05:00It's Some Good Advice, That You Just Didn't Take..."Memories are meant to fade. They were made that way for a reason." - Strange Days (1995)<br /><br />Today we speak and the words forcefully pass our vocal cords, are bounced against our palates by our tongues and forge through our teeth and out of our lips only to sputter a few inches in front of us and smack against the floor with the vigor of vomitus. We live at a time when a mid-90s musician writes a song called "Ironic" that reaches number one on the billboards and the song does not contain a single example of irony (no, rain on your wedding day is not ironic, nor is a free ride when you've already paid, though some might say these are unfortunate occurences). We have also witnessed one of the most celebrated presidents say on national television that the interviewer's question depending "On what your definition of <strong><em>is</em></strong> is."<br /><br /><em>"Cogito ergo sum</em>."<br />"<em>Je pense, donc je suis." </em><br />"<em>I think, therefore I am."</em><br /><br />These words spoken by the same man, here presented in three different languages have significantly altered the trajectory of human philosophical and mental development for approximately the last 500 years. These words, and the other writings of Rene Descartes have given people the ability to make the world whatever they have wanted to make it. They have allowed people to take the notion that the only thing one can say is true is that they exist and transform it into the contract labor oppressing capitalist ideology and from there into the will to power that states that all things are permitted. All things, apparently, really mean all things.<br /><br />There is a shot that is administered to chemotherapy patients that bolster the white blood cell counts after the chemotherapy drugs have diminished them. there are different such shots, but the one that I know of is Neulasta (pegfilgrastim). The dosage is recommended to be a single 6-mg injection per chemotherapy cycle (<a href="http://www.neulasta.com/">www.neulasta.com</a>). This amounts to about 2-3 seconds. The drug is considered imperative to many patients who undergo agressive chemotherapy cycles as it prevents life-threatening infections that can stall the administration of chemotherapy, which can allow for the spread of the cancer. You see, though the drug cost can grow as high as $7,000.00, which is good if it's your two-week paycheck, but less good when it is part of your two-week expenses (<a href="http://www.neulastainfo.com/">www.neulastainfo.com</a>). Certain healthcare insurance companies do not believe that neulasta is a necessary drug and so many refuse to for it. Nine months I was on a treatment that required me taking the neulasta shot. since, I don't like when people say "You do the math," I'll do the math: 9 months X two treatments per month = 18 times the neulasta shot is given. 18 x $7,000.00 = $126,000.00 and remember that this is <strong><em>with</em></strong> insurance.<br /><br />There is a basic difference between something that is necessary and something that is sufficient even though many people do not understand that difference, including insurance companies. A condition is necessary if and only if it must be true in order for some situation to possibly be true. Or if the necessary condition is <em>not </em>true then there is no way that the situation can be true. For example, being a mammal is a necessary condition of being a human because you have to be a mammal in order to possibly be a human and if you are not a mammal then there is no way you can be human. A condition is sufficient if and only if in some situation if the condition is true then the situation must be true. For example, being a human is a sufficient condition of being a mammal because if you are a human then you <em>must</em> be a mammal. The difference is subtle. Because the sufficient condition is not also a necessary condition. That is, being a human is sufficient to show that you are a mammal, but it is not also the case that being human is a necessary condition of being a mammal, for instance you can not be a human (you can be a marsupial) and you can still be a mammal.<br /><br />The insurance company decided, without consulting me, that the shot was not a necessary condition for my survival because perhaps, without it, I would still live. They also decided that it wasn't sufficient because perhaps, with it, I still might not live. In translation to formal logic, the quotation above says that memories are designed to fade because they are meant to fade. If we were using Microsoft Excel we would get an error reading saying "Circular Reference." The quotation believes that knowing that memories are capable of fading is sufficient to knowing that memories are meant to fade. This logic, however, begs the question by assuming as a premise exactly what it aims to prove.<br /><br />I still remember the first smell I ever smelled: snow.<br />I still remember the first time I ever saw my fiancee.<br />My friend Andrew still remembers so many things about Susan.<br />My cousins Michael and Timothy still remember everything about their mother.<br />My fiancee still remembers what it was like when I called her on July 6, 2006.<br />My sister-in-law still remembers both of her cousins so well.<br />My mom still remembers the times of each of her three childrens' births.<br />We all still remember a lot of things<br /><br />Memories are not meant to fade or else they would all fade. No, memories are meant to be remembered, forever. The ones that fade away are replaced by the ones that never will.<br /><br />Remembering is a sufficient condition for surviving... And I can't wait to remember what it feels like to hear the good news of a clean bill of health once more...<br /><br />Peace...Andrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653298138679360955noreply@blogger.com0